The foul odor of summer in New York hangs over my head like a curse. However the B'way musical workshop with Kim. Kaufman at Actors Connection, along with V.O. coaching with Wendy Dillon and a treasured run of repeat clients (and a few new ones) is softening the blow...thank you also Jerry Scott for your joyous musical therapy!
The pursuit of show business seems to have become the only reason I'm here right now!
Most of all--I would like to thank my roof deck for making my life manageable!
I am dealing with the isolation issue by attending Group Therapy and also a "Heart of Recovery" meeting which combines both 12-Step and Buddhist wisdom in a meditation based meeting format. Very gentle. Perhaps more meetings are called for--one tonight after the performing "process" workshop would have been very helpful! A place to process THE PROCESS : ).
Made peace with the R.O. in Buffalo. We are focusing on being friends, simply. Yes very healthy--kind of sad though as I would have loved a little romance. But ahhh, that first hit and the next breath--you loose your personality...NOT!
Today after the singing class---which was like 3 plus hours long I found myself antsy and anxious to leave. I want to perfect my acting and singing skills in a very short time--and what better place than Actors Connection? Plus you are in touch with people who are actually working in the business. But need it be so damn serious???? PLUS I am reminded "Show Business" is a business. Yeah I know but damn you gotta be able to laugh!
It was lovely to see gorgeous Brooke Shields on the web pay tribute to Michael Jackson! I had no idea they were friends. As usual her beauty was only matched by her grace and articulate poise. I was blessed to have her read a scene with me in Stephanie Venditto's class, more than a month ago. What a trip.
The constant pain which I feel is alleviated by meditation. This must be some sort of mid-life crisis! There is nothing physically wrong...only the silence of the walls inside and outside it feels like a war zone. Thank God for the client connection and the music connection!
It's an awful lot of work undergoing the "process" of stretching myself as a performer. I don't feel cheerful and happy about it necessarily; it's heartbreaking to try to capture the freedom of "the private moment" and call upon it when performing. (Some of us get stiff with our emotions as we age--I personally believe urban life creates a build-up...But the caliber of the teachers and the Casting Directors--well suffice it to say for all the complaining I do about the difficulty of living and (not) loving here in NYC--there is a superior level of teachers, talent and coaching here. Now as to whether I can make any money in Show Business. THAT's the question. Money can't be spent indefinitely in the pursuit of a dream...when will I know. I must trust that there is a plan and meeting. I have survived this long--why?
Friend Debbie was so funny with her comment--"you just haven't massaged the right person yet!" HA...could be but I don't think that's it...if opportunities come they will in their own time...things can't be rushed.
It was so delicious today to be up in front of the class and to feel myself taking MY time, mindfully. Not feeling the nerves castrate me like a hysterical chicken! When I feel my presence and space and refuse to "be a girl" with the rest of the giddy girl-club goings on, THEN I'm a man and then I feel my power.
It's bizarre how over-bearing female energy can make me feel diminished, emasculated. The same as being around hetero-sexual "Jock" types. They are both part of a cold and lonely world which I don't relate to.
But last night I was watching some big coach on the TV at CRUNCH and I realized that that type of man was/is the kind of roles I may be considered for. I would prefer playing Pontius Pilates, but being an actor--I should be available for the "Sports Pundit" role...
I wonder why women fear me so? Well...not all of them. I'm in "the process" to improve my performing skills. That's where my focus is. It's amazing how some women can keep the "nice"-thing going as if they were borrowing a cup of sugar from a neighbor...but I find when I try to join in to that camaraderie I end up feeling diminished and forget what it was I was trying to focus on!
It's all a stretch...to try to get better...then comes the complete and ultimate subjectivity!
One must be part exhibitionist to want to perform...the trick is to be able to feel the joy and the power and still be generous, listen, follow the score, the choreography, etc. What did Stephanie say--"You can't control the release...you can only beckon it and welcome it when it comes via it's own power--"
But isn't that what technique is? Using that brilliant doorway of the imagination harnessed by focus and self-control. That's skill. If I can only stay out of my way! I just get so joyful! It's such a turn-on! I forget it's a business. But THIS must be as strong an innate sense as my joy! Paradox apparent!
Thought I smelled autumn in the air today...hows t' possible? Only July 8! But there were signs of dead leaves in a few places around (most likely the pollution).
Goodnight and I love you
Best
Me
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Now for Group Therapy--Ahhhh Summer in the City!
Now I am trying out Group Therapy as a way to "connect" with other men. I have little hope that it will change the state of my life...which is isolated to say the least.
I have one friend who lives in ALB. N.M., and many acquaintances. This is not said out of anger, misery or frustration. It is a simple fact.
The past few days I became obsessed very fast with another masseur who lives in Buffalo. The few nights when we talked on the phone the it was so soothing--addictively so. I found myself saying romantic things by the third day--becoming almost drunk on him! I have never even MET this person--obviously the experience was quickly moving into the realm of R.O. (romantic obsession). The man either because of his youth or lack of experience didn't seem to comprehend the meaning of this phrase. He asked me what it meant twice. (Perhaps because during one of the Internet "chats" at his day job he was "multitasking" which I find to basically be an excuse for "not being fully present with any one thing"). I think I shared this with him. At that point he told me to "lighten up".
My next question concerned a financial inquiry. He suddenly had very strong boundaries and said "I only share that with my accountant"--(and hinting that later on he may choose to share such information with me...). How gracious of him! At this point I abruptly ended the chat and said I needed to sort the laundry and be productive as it occurred to me that he was sitting in his office being paid to "multitask" (chatting with me being one of the tasks) and I was jealous that he was making money and I wasn't -- so I needed to get busy and do something productive as I wasn't on any one's "meter". This was our last chat yesterday. I don't think there will be another. What first appeared healthy was turning into something dark...
Geographical relationships never work--I've learned from vast experience (when I used to actually date people--God can I even remember what that was like?).
I sincerely wish this boy the best (34 years old) obviously way too young and am glad that we shared our experiences...however because I find that I am going R.O. about him, it's truly better that we stop contact. I hope he reads this...he probably won't. Very few people do.
A pity--when two men can honestly come clean with each other and confess their honest feelings about the awful frustration that comes from experiencing how queer men lie and use and manipulate each other...truly a pity he lives in another city. We could have been friends. I never meet people like that here...which is pretty damn strange if you think of how many people there are. But most of us here are too busy keeping people out of our faces and moving around the obstacles they create so that we can get things done. Things which in the larger scheme of things-I'm wondering if anything is important actually...does anything have any real meaning today. In NYC everything seems more and more to be reduced to a series of transactions. Is that basically all that life is?!
I have the talent but it takes fate to make a career in show business. Fate has never been kind to me...but she did give me a nice body and a great talent for music and comedy. Without someone to appreciate these gifts--they go rotting and wasted. Without being able to translate these things into the professional life of being an actor--" It's as if you were given something weird, a deformity. How could I ever see my musical gifts like that? My ability to mime, to act...Doubly strange when I reflect on this weird outmoded idea of "being a professional" how, when I actually became a paid musician on a cruise ship--it made me utterly detest playing cocktail music--a very dangerous thing for such a musical and sensitive soul such as myself!
I must say the group isn't a good thing if it creates suicidal thoughts! One fellow shared tonight that when he first joined the group two years ago--he was healthy. The following two years saw him going through a multitude of health problems. On reflection afterward I thought of saying to him--"Perhaps this Group Therapy Thing is MAKING YOU SICK!" (However I didn't want to appear the Devil's Advocate).
Ha ha! I wonder if he would have laughed. I doubt it--he works for the State. They tend to be pretty humorless.
Perhaps my R.O. will come to the city and we will have a massage exchange...that would be nice. It is a nice way to experience the healing and sensuality man to man. I have no expectations with anyone about anything (except for the need to avoid mercenaries).
The closeness of our conversations and my all too quickly moving into that awful place of grasping and craving...Oh God--how sweet it would have been to fall in love...I do recall the highs...was it the 70's, the 80's-- and a few desperate attempts in the 90's leading up the traumas, bashing, 9-11. Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah---everyone suffers--some more than others--some less...this young man's therapist's advice was "you don't have to process everything". How shallow...What does an old woman know about being queer? Not much. What good is going to a therapist if you don't tell them the truth? Not much. He was telling me things he resisted telling her! Because he said she would disapprove of some of his actions...but isn't human growth based on conflict and resolution--not lulling each other to sleep with nice platitudes and bullshit! Whatever...
What difference does it make? There is so damn much rotten therapy out there anyway.
Anyway the conversations with my "peer" were really good, however I would prefer being alone every day and every night. That way one cannot miss the experience of love or R.O. or attachment. The pain of living without such things is less acute than the clinging neediness and emotional involvement of a working to have a significant other in one's life!
Also it's quite good that I snip this in the bud now. It might be dangerous to get a taste of something...I might like it too much. After all most people DO have significant others. Besides, I go back to my original thought...who the hell is this guy? He's some stranger I met through a hook up site!!!!!!
I remember when I used to have "best friends". So wonderful really. No more.
I do, however ponder if this emotional disinvolvemnt from others affects my acting? My ability to earn? Obviously my ability to connect with others. I find joy and peace on the roof deck. I really don't like to walk in the streets on a lovey day--the streets are tense and noisy and pretty awful. Everyone is severely barricaded now. There are so many walls and so much armor. No wonder I have chest pains when I'm around people alot and walking instead of biking! I wonder when it changed so for me?
It was a slow logical progression Steven...and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it but go to your recovery meetings and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME (or one massage appointment at a time or one audition or acting class at a time!)...
It would be nice to say "the world is what you make it" but I lost that belief a long time ago. I feel like a warrior with shell shock. Vipers are everywhere. I'm not imagining this, they are.
Do I even still love the city? Where does it come from I wonder? The isolation--my disinclination to "be social"? Today a man turned to me in the Group and said "Why are you like this?"
I threw out a few phrases...the typical cliches, but finally I said--"I really don't know--and after a while you just accept that it is--you stop feeling the pain of being without friends", stop trying to make them and just start digging being alone." And there really aren't any opportunities to make friends. Or if one presents itself--why I wonder does it turn ugly or clingy or weird with expectations and mucky muck? Perhaps Buddhist meetings...that's a possibility. Certainly not the Internet with it's hypnotizing malaise only exacerbating the isolation...making you think you're connecting when your just staring into glass and metal...and robots...
I truly think it's the toxicity of New York. Another man in the group said he "thought I was afraid".
Ummm, I've been "processing that" and I can honestly say--"Yes I guess I'm afraid; of loud noises and cunty comments from the female trainers at CRUNCH--the ignorance and the arrogance and the heartlessness of Manhattan--but not really afraid of this stuff--more like always wearing armor as a protection against it. One must. The city's deadly for the open heart chakra...simply deadly...I must share this at next Buddha 12 step meeting; There at least one can get a breath of what an open heart must feel like. Here, living in the East Village of NYC for some 30 years. No way Jose.
No-it's not fear--if it was I would have left along time ago. But I do know how absolutely hideous people can be. Perhaps that's why I actually prefer my own company. The man who accused me of fear also said "Your prostate's probably enlarged" after I shared something about having high PSA numbers last week. He's somehow not "with it" or "in touch" that he would say the obvious and make such a bad analysis of my "problem". It drives me a bit mad when people tell you things that are just plain wrong or that you know already. I guess that's why I'm in this group. You can only go so far with people in an acting class. It's great for acting skills. But we are trying to be artificial THERE. Here I think I'm in group because my "Fear" is that I'm somehow lacking in some way. Like I'm diseased...yes...maybe I'm--what did (well I just remembered I do have two friends--my lawyer being the second one!) Alan say "You're saturated". Astute comment that. One doesn't mean to become socially isolated out of fear. It's being sick of people and disappointed time and time again that causes one to love animals and trees, worship the sun, cry when one is working on people (but only when they are in a position where they cannot see the tears or feel them running down--I am so good at hiding tears...
Still I do find it valuable to help relieve people of their suffering...so there must be a part of me that does indeed love humanity; isn't totally fed up--a very tiny bird is still singing in my heart. Something of hope...absurd though that sounds. After all I've been through all these years. No wonder I found people in the Netherlands so damned tough! Those people had been through two world wars!
Strange that I used to make friends so easily and have so much fun. Is this part of the aging process? Millions would say yes. The slow move into the deadly trap of isolation --deadly if you are single. But I rejoice in not being attached, with children...All THAT muck! This is the price I pay for absolutely being responsible only to myself. There is no one to help me up the stairs. Fuck it--I'll buy myself a walker.
I am truly amazed at how much I shared with the Buffalo masseur about the difficulty of living here. The pain inherent in everything from making money to meeting new people--Gosh...I wonder if I really should consider living in N.Y. yet another unhealthy addiction? But I would so miss the characters and the energy and that lovely "zing" that can only be found in NYC!
Perhaps I should simply EMBRACE being NEUROTIC!!!!!
There's a level of quality here in this city culture--that still shines albeit the noise stress, ignorance and arrogance can work you nerves trying to uncover it! Trying to touch it or learn it or experience it...is not unlike finding hen's teeth!
In Tucson, there's no "zing" but the sun can feel nicely gold on your skin driving in a hypnotic trance in that dense traffic...but all all the sameness in people-- and that awful lack of culture...the sleepy ignorance of the sameness...the suburban blitz...
Is my isolation merely the result of an addictive lifestyle? Narcissism? Intolerance for people who snort and smell funny (I attempted to nurture a friendship with a black Chelsea Gay man this year but eventually his bad habits curdled the urge--I think he wanted a sexual involvement but I wanted to keep it platonic). He seemed to be such a wimp too. What attracted me to him? The chance of a friendship. We reached a mutual impasse...the communication stopped. I wish Ken well...
How can one be a friend with someone in a city hundreds of miles away? Not really possible...just as it's not possible to be pals with that middle-aged female Record Executive who works at Time Warner--no matter HOW seductive fun and bisexual (so she said) she appeared to be. The only way I could have nurtured that bond would have been to have had sex with her and I didn't want that. I simply wanted to be her friend. But she was totally unavailable. Her seduction was making me feel so close to her so fast. Or was that me-projecting something onto her (a friendship with a stranger--how unlikely--I guess that's why people operate in groups, for safety's sake). Perhaps I thought we were characters in a Seinfeld episode--and it was cool! But she was unable to meet my needs. **** that! No returned calls after "God you are so muscular and talented and funny and blah blah blah blah..." She pulled away after only our second meeting. I felt very used. Is this some weird script I myself am acting out with everyone I meet? I'm so tired of being used. Damn! Clearly she was not available and I was. Clearly. But how does one know enough to let down the walls with the one who MAY be available?????? Ay--THERE'S THE RUB!
One story out of 9 million in the naked city. Happy Fourth of July Steve! Thanks Steve--I love you! Keep the faith--somehow. Listen for the birds!
I prefer the peace of meditation to all this soap opera. I've had my starring roles in the corner bar. Now I could definitely use some tree therapy.
Fourth of July.
I'll give the group another 3 weeks.
It is of no consequence. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe this is all heart work...perhaps all a dream...
I have one friend who lives in ALB. N.M., and many acquaintances. This is not said out of anger, misery or frustration. It is a simple fact.
The past few days I became obsessed very fast with another masseur who lives in Buffalo. The few nights when we talked on the phone the it was so soothing--addictively so. I found myself saying romantic things by the third day--becoming almost drunk on him! I have never even MET this person--obviously the experience was quickly moving into the realm of R.O. (romantic obsession). The man either because of his youth or lack of experience didn't seem to comprehend the meaning of this phrase. He asked me what it meant twice. (Perhaps because during one of the Internet "chats" at his day job he was "multitasking" which I find to basically be an excuse for "not being fully present with any one thing"). I think I shared this with him. At that point he told me to "lighten up".
My next question concerned a financial inquiry. He suddenly had very strong boundaries and said "I only share that with my accountant"--(and hinting that later on he may choose to share such information with me...). How gracious of him! At this point I abruptly ended the chat and said I needed to sort the laundry and be productive as it occurred to me that he was sitting in his office being paid to "multitask" (chatting with me being one of the tasks) and I was jealous that he was making money and I wasn't -- so I needed to get busy and do something productive as I wasn't on any one's "meter". This was our last chat yesterday. I don't think there will be another. What first appeared healthy was turning into something dark...
Geographical relationships never work--I've learned from vast experience (when I used to actually date people--God can I even remember what that was like?).
I sincerely wish this boy the best (34 years old) obviously way too young and am glad that we shared our experiences...however because I find that I am going R.O. about him, it's truly better that we stop contact. I hope he reads this...he probably won't. Very few people do.
A pity--when two men can honestly come clean with each other and confess their honest feelings about the awful frustration that comes from experiencing how queer men lie and use and manipulate each other...truly a pity he lives in another city. We could have been friends. I never meet people like that here...which is pretty damn strange if you think of how many people there are. But most of us here are too busy keeping people out of our faces and moving around the obstacles they create so that we can get things done. Things which in the larger scheme of things-I'm wondering if anything is important actually...does anything have any real meaning today. In NYC everything seems more and more to be reduced to a series of transactions. Is that basically all that life is?!
I have the talent but it takes fate to make a career in show business. Fate has never been kind to me...but she did give me a nice body and a great talent for music and comedy. Without someone to appreciate these gifts--they go rotting and wasted. Without being able to translate these things into the professional life of being an actor--" It's as if you were given something weird, a deformity. How could I ever see my musical gifts like that? My ability to mime, to act...Doubly strange when I reflect on this weird outmoded idea of "being a professional" how, when I actually became a paid musician on a cruise ship--it made me utterly detest playing cocktail music--a very dangerous thing for such a musical and sensitive soul such as myself!
I must say the group isn't a good thing if it creates suicidal thoughts! One fellow shared tonight that when he first joined the group two years ago--he was healthy. The following two years saw him going through a multitude of health problems. On reflection afterward I thought of saying to him--"Perhaps this Group Therapy Thing is MAKING YOU SICK!" (However I didn't want to appear the Devil's Advocate).
Ha ha! I wonder if he would have laughed. I doubt it--he works for the State. They tend to be pretty humorless.
Perhaps my R.O. will come to the city and we will have a massage exchange...that would be nice. It is a nice way to experience the healing and sensuality man to man. I have no expectations with anyone about anything (except for the need to avoid mercenaries).
The closeness of our conversations and my all too quickly moving into that awful place of grasping and craving...Oh God--how sweet it would have been to fall in love...I do recall the highs...was it the 70's, the 80's-- and a few desperate attempts in the 90's leading up the traumas, bashing, 9-11. Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah---everyone suffers--some more than others--some less...this young man's therapist's advice was "you don't have to process everything". How shallow...What does an old woman know about being queer? Not much. What good is going to a therapist if you don't tell them the truth? Not much. He was telling me things he resisted telling her! Because he said she would disapprove of some of his actions...but isn't human growth based on conflict and resolution--not lulling each other to sleep with nice platitudes and bullshit! Whatever...
What difference does it make? There is so damn much rotten therapy out there anyway.
Anyway the conversations with my "peer" were really good, however I would prefer being alone every day and every night. That way one cannot miss the experience of love or R.O. or attachment. The pain of living without such things is less acute than the clinging neediness and emotional involvement of a working to have a significant other in one's life!
Also it's quite good that I snip this in the bud now. It might be dangerous to get a taste of something...I might like it too much. After all most people DO have significant others. Besides, I go back to my original thought...who the hell is this guy? He's some stranger I met through a hook up site!!!!!!
I remember when I used to have "best friends". So wonderful really. No more.
I do, however ponder if this emotional disinvolvemnt from others affects my acting? My ability to earn? Obviously my ability to connect with others. I find joy and peace on the roof deck. I really don't like to walk in the streets on a lovey day--the streets are tense and noisy and pretty awful. Everyone is severely barricaded now. There are so many walls and so much armor. No wonder I have chest pains when I'm around people alot and walking instead of biking! I wonder when it changed so for me?
It was a slow logical progression Steven...and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it but go to your recovery meetings and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME (or one massage appointment at a time or one audition or acting class at a time!)...
It would be nice to say "the world is what you make it" but I lost that belief a long time ago. I feel like a warrior with shell shock. Vipers are everywhere. I'm not imagining this, they are.
Do I even still love the city? Where does it come from I wonder? The isolation--my disinclination to "be social"? Today a man turned to me in the Group and said "Why are you like this?"
I threw out a few phrases...the typical cliches, but finally I said--"I really don't know--and after a while you just accept that it is--you stop feeling the pain of being without friends", stop trying to make them and just start digging being alone." And there really aren't any opportunities to make friends. Or if one presents itself--why I wonder does it turn ugly or clingy or weird with expectations and mucky muck? Perhaps Buddhist meetings...that's a possibility. Certainly not the Internet with it's hypnotizing malaise only exacerbating the isolation...making you think you're connecting when your just staring into glass and metal...and robots...
I truly think it's the toxicity of New York. Another man in the group said he "thought I was afraid".
Ummm, I've been "processing that" and I can honestly say--"Yes I guess I'm afraid; of loud noises and cunty comments from the female trainers at CRUNCH--the ignorance and the arrogance and the heartlessness of Manhattan--but not really afraid of this stuff--more like always wearing armor as a protection against it. One must. The city's deadly for the open heart chakra...simply deadly...I must share this at next Buddha 12 step meeting; There at least one can get a breath of what an open heart must feel like. Here, living in the East Village of NYC for some 30 years. No way Jose.
No-it's not fear--if it was I would have left along time ago. But I do know how absolutely hideous people can be. Perhaps that's why I actually prefer my own company. The man who accused me of fear also said "Your prostate's probably enlarged" after I shared something about having high PSA numbers last week. He's somehow not "with it" or "in touch" that he would say the obvious and make such a bad analysis of my "problem". It drives me a bit mad when people tell you things that are just plain wrong or that you know already. I guess that's why I'm in this group. You can only go so far with people in an acting class. It's great for acting skills. But we are trying to be artificial THERE. Here I think I'm in group because my "Fear" is that I'm somehow lacking in some way. Like I'm diseased...yes...maybe I'm--what did (well I just remembered I do have two friends--my lawyer being the second one!) Alan say "You're saturated". Astute comment that. One doesn't mean to become socially isolated out of fear. It's being sick of people and disappointed time and time again that causes one to love animals and trees, worship the sun, cry when one is working on people (but only when they are in a position where they cannot see the tears or feel them running down--I am so good at hiding tears...
Still I do find it valuable to help relieve people of their suffering...so there must be a part of me that does indeed love humanity; isn't totally fed up--a very tiny bird is still singing in my heart. Something of hope...absurd though that sounds. After all I've been through all these years. No wonder I found people in the Netherlands so damned tough! Those people had been through two world wars!
Strange that I used to make friends so easily and have so much fun. Is this part of the aging process? Millions would say yes. The slow move into the deadly trap of isolation --deadly if you are single. But I rejoice in not being attached, with children...All THAT muck! This is the price I pay for absolutely being responsible only to myself. There is no one to help me up the stairs. Fuck it--I'll buy myself a walker.
I am truly amazed at how much I shared with the Buffalo masseur about the difficulty of living here. The pain inherent in everything from making money to meeting new people--Gosh...I wonder if I really should consider living in N.Y. yet another unhealthy addiction? But I would so miss the characters and the energy and that lovely "zing" that can only be found in NYC!
Perhaps I should simply EMBRACE being NEUROTIC!!!!!
There's a level of quality here in this city culture--that still shines albeit the noise stress, ignorance and arrogance can work you nerves trying to uncover it! Trying to touch it or learn it or experience it...is not unlike finding hen's teeth!
In Tucson, there's no "zing" but the sun can feel nicely gold on your skin driving in a hypnotic trance in that dense traffic...but all all the sameness in people-- and that awful lack of culture...the sleepy ignorance of the sameness...the suburban blitz...
Is my isolation merely the result of an addictive lifestyle? Narcissism? Intolerance for people who snort and smell funny (I attempted to nurture a friendship with a black Chelsea Gay man this year but eventually his bad habits curdled the urge--I think he wanted a sexual involvement but I wanted to keep it platonic). He seemed to be such a wimp too. What attracted me to him? The chance of a friendship. We reached a mutual impasse...the communication stopped. I wish Ken well...
How can one be a friend with someone in a city hundreds of miles away? Not really possible...just as it's not possible to be pals with that middle-aged female Record Executive who works at Time Warner--no matter HOW seductive fun and bisexual (so she said) she appeared to be. The only way I could have nurtured that bond would have been to have had sex with her and I didn't want that. I simply wanted to be her friend. But she was totally unavailable. Her seduction was making me feel so close to her so fast. Or was that me-projecting something onto her (a friendship with a stranger--how unlikely--I guess that's why people operate in groups, for safety's sake). Perhaps I thought we were characters in a Seinfeld episode--and it was cool! But she was unable to meet my needs. **** that! No returned calls after "God you are so muscular and talented and funny and blah blah blah blah..." She pulled away after only our second meeting. I felt very used. Is this some weird script I myself am acting out with everyone I meet? I'm so tired of being used. Damn! Clearly she was not available and I was. Clearly. But how does one know enough to let down the walls with the one who MAY be available?????? Ay--THERE'S THE RUB!
One story out of 9 million in the naked city. Happy Fourth of July Steve! Thanks Steve--I love you! Keep the faith--somehow. Listen for the birds!
I prefer the peace of meditation to all this soap opera. I've had my starring roles in the corner bar. Now I could definitely use some tree therapy.
Fourth of July.
I'll give the group another 3 weeks.
It is of no consequence. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe this is all heart work...perhaps all a dream...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Huge Emotional Release
I had a huge emotional release in Acting Class on Thurs...tears blowing out like Niagara Falls...releasing stuff about clients...my relationship to massage as work, my vision of myself in Show Business (real massage work is anything but sexy--being on the stage IS sexy)---an epiphany truly...that same day in the morning I wrote a monologue...and had a breakthrough reading it..."Spalding Grey-ish" but with more heart & Gay soul!
Not sure whether to continue in Stephanie's class...I admire and respect her as a teacher--but I wonder if I need more sheer technique?...It's one thing to be able to release...it's another to be able to fine tune and control the releasing process--or is this the job of the director and the actor working together?...can I ever be at that level? This is all so new; no longer the "actor" but now feeling more like an artist...so new, so fragile...
Now...(a-hem) to find work in Show Business...kind of like winning the lottery...
Went to see Vieux Carré at Pearl Theater last night.
Lovely--a haunting lyrical piece...characters actually speaking about dying of loneliness...things that real people don't like to talk about today...and every character was craving to be touched in some way...a poetic vision of a micro-cosm of a world where every one was dying for a massage. I had to request to be moved as first seating next to a really large older man with a cane and awful B.O....having compassion doesn't mean one need suffer through the torture of a stranger's bad hygiene...I got to change seats.
Before that had one client all week...an older gentleman who'd just relocated from Scottsdale. A nice session; however he paid me with a check, assuring me it's good. We shall see. And why was he going on and on about the danger of violent encounters in dealing 1-on-1 with strangers. This is not healthy mental energy for me to visit and ruminate on. However if I'm crushed by a taxi or shot by a mental case I've had a good life and am not afraid to leave it.
Must bring bike in. Stress levels low tonight...very laid back...not much contact with the Carnival of Ultra-loud c**** and bus truck and tunnel folk out to stomp through the Friday night turf of the East Village boozed up manic night and prove how tough and obnoxious they can be...thank Goodness...I was sequestered away...
What will the summer bring? Why do I continue to study acting? I think to feel alive and as an antidote to 30 years of city living, 18 years of doing massage; a lifetime of isolation...
It's ironic that cathartic experiences come from having people witness you creatively acting-out your feelings, pain and experiences that you got FROM interacting with damaged people in the first place!
A small group of Gay men sitting near me in the theatre talking about friendly normal things...art openings, renovations of apartments...obviously having money and long histories of friendships with each other...I remained watching from the outside, my attention focused on the actors on stage. Why am I always an alien? Some people are more feral than others, that doesn't make them any less human, warm, friendly, etc. I know I have balance...thank God for Jerry Scott! We had a good musical workout Thursday--but it took a while to warm up...using H4n toy to record; the sound quality is unbelievable...can I afford VO lessons this week? Hope so...
Nef Jones in Acting Class is a jewel. Her comedy and open heart chakra music she played in class Thursday about the East Village Changing///Fading...a privilege to know her and experience her beauty, talent charisma...everybody in that class rocked...and Stephanie's a good coach/acting teacher...but still pondering if I need more of a technique based class? Auditing HB's Christopher Martin Shakespeare class next week...to check out the vibe and see whether he's cool or homophobic?...a mentor, authentic teacher or egoist...we shall see...
My Mom's B-day today...wow...to be 82...Thanks for my home Mom...you were the only one who helped me when I was down...guess that's kinda the strongest love in the world in some way...though you are funny. Guess I am too!
Not sure whether to continue in Stephanie's class...I admire and respect her as a teacher--but I wonder if I need more sheer technique?...It's one thing to be able to release...it's another to be able to fine tune and control the releasing process--or is this the job of the director and the actor working together?...can I ever be at that level? This is all so new; no longer the "actor" but now feeling more like an artist...so new, so fragile...
Now...(a-hem) to find work in Show Business...kind of like winning the lottery...
Went to see Vieux Carré at Pearl Theater last night.
Lovely--a haunting lyrical piece...characters actually speaking about dying of loneliness...things that real people don't like to talk about today...and every character was craving to be touched in some way...a poetic vision of a micro-cosm of a world where every one was dying for a massage. I had to request to be moved as first seating next to a really large older man with a cane and awful B.O....having compassion doesn't mean one need suffer through the torture of a stranger's bad hygiene...I got to change seats.
Before that had one client all week...an older gentleman who'd just relocated from Scottsdale. A nice session; however he paid me with a check, assuring me it's good. We shall see. And why was he going on and on about the danger of violent encounters in dealing 1-on-1 with strangers. This is not healthy mental energy for me to visit and ruminate on. However if I'm crushed by a taxi or shot by a mental case I've had a good life and am not afraid to leave it.
Must bring bike in. Stress levels low tonight...very laid back...not much contact with the Carnival of Ultra-loud c**** and bus truck and tunnel folk out to stomp through the Friday night turf of the East Village boozed up manic night and prove how tough and obnoxious they can be...thank Goodness...I was sequestered away...
What will the summer bring? Why do I continue to study acting? I think to feel alive and as an antidote to 30 years of city living, 18 years of doing massage; a lifetime of isolation...
It's ironic that cathartic experiences come from having people witness you creatively acting-out your feelings, pain and experiences that you got FROM interacting with damaged people in the first place!
A small group of Gay men sitting near me in the theatre talking about friendly normal things...art openings, renovations of apartments...obviously having money and long histories of friendships with each other...I remained watching from the outside, my attention focused on the actors on stage. Why am I always an alien? Some people are more feral than others, that doesn't make them any less human, warm, friendly, etc. I know I have balance...thank God for Jerry Scott! We had a good musical workout Thursday--but it took a while to warm up...using H4n toy to record; the sound quality is unbelievable...can I afford VO lessons this week? Hope so...
Nef Jones in Acting Class is a jewel. Her comedy and open heart chakra music she played in class Thursday about the East Village Changing///Fading...a privilege to know her and experience her beauty, talent charisma...everybody in that class rocked...and Stephanie's a good coach/acting teacher...but still pondering if I need more of a technique based class? Auditing HB's Christopher Martin Shakespeare class next week...to check out the vibe and see whether he's cool or homophobic?...a mentor, authentic teacher or egoist...we shall see...
My Mom's B-day today...wow...to be 82...Thanks for my home Mom...you were the only one who helped me when I was down...guess that's kinda the strongest love in the world in some way...though you are funny. Guess I am too!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Lovers in the Rain--late night E.Vill. Insomnia
Raining very very hard...now starting to let up. I heard noises out back and two lovers--neighbors from below--were standing in the rain half-naked stretching and kissing in each other's arms...lovely...I would have joined them but but--...it seemed to be their moment...I didn't want to intrude. The woman had a broken foot in a cast, wrapped in clear plastic.
Feelings of "acting in" resonating in me since Friday when I had a strange Voice Over lesson..."Be Steven Orr! BE STEVEN ORR...BE YOURSELF...!" Ye Gads it is so difficult to sound authentic selling SOAP, CARS!!! TASTEE KAKE!!!!!!...Same in Acting Class "Be Yourself BE YOURSELF...! BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Why am I putting myself through this--this PAIN? And spending money for it yet??? When the bitter truth is no matter how talented or how natural--(or how much I can psyche myself into NOT CARING whether I get the part)..the chances--the sheer chances are thousands to one that any of this will pay off! Yes--LIKE WINNING LOTTO! And the time one spends...listening to teachers...some wanking you off for the buck...others sincere...bottom line you must trust that some good will come out of it--that someone's being honest! That its fun and can be lucrative...that you are more than a pair of hands attached to a good looking body.
So...I returned to music tonight--like an old friend--it was there. I worked for hours on a new massage mix...everything from Faure to the "titles" theme from PASSENGERS (weeping and releasing to that, so luscious...) Bach, Mrs. Harris, SOMA, AFTERGLOW, etc. It's such a groove working on a body and listening to the seamlessness of the music--how the songs blend into each other...I can make mental notes...it occupies my mind when working...
So nice to escape from the heady trip of acting and commercial Voice Over lessons...music provides a natural feeling of "head endorphins" even without mind-altering substances or chemicals...it's the sound of beauty that does it...it's a comfort like a kind of rapture.
Oh...rain coming down harder now...I can here lovers below pounding away...: ). Is that the sound of cats walking upstairs? I wish new neighbor would buy carpets!
Much earlier this evening I heard a party going on in some backyard garden off 7th Street...a woman laughing hysterically and loudly...like a character in an Opera set in BELLVUE Hospital. I called Andrew next door..."Can you hear that laughter?" I said--
"It's because you're getting old--so you feel a need to connect with overs (voice very gravelly and sinister sounding...).
"Bull----" I said "Somebody's is having an unbelievably, incredibly happy time and I just want to see what the hell she/they are laughing at! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING OLD!"
Andrew "Did I ever tell you about the time years ago..."
I cut him off and said "let's just make a deal to call each other every three days or so--to make sure we are still alive. So our cats won't starve." He agreed.
Before that some hairdresser on a hook-up site said "You must be constantly dating, out with men--hooking up-having fun--so popular..."
Little does he know what a normal life I lead (well--when it's slow...).
Ahhhh, the rain continues...the mix I believe is done bouncing...it was going for 54 minutes...now I hope it burns without flaws...they started outsourcing Maxell CDs outside of Japan so the quality is horrible--like Memorex and others...I spent 50 bucks buying a 100 PROFESSIONAL quality CDs (ones still made in Japan) so hopefully they won't skip.
Must to bed...antsy from slowness in work...like pulling teeth...same syndrome...talented as all shit but without knowing a star your bottom feeding, bottom feeding...talk about developing character--GEESH! I AM!
I threw out Dr. Higgins on Friday...he was one hour late and so damn arrogant...I just couldn't cope...no amount of money was worth it...I felt empowered being able to say "Yes--you need to leave". My self-respect. My integrity. He burbled and grumbled out loud down the flight of steps and out the door, expostulating negatives. Projecting them onto me for my being "uncooperative" with the ritual. Just because one is a doctor--it doesn't give one license to be act like a prick (especially--yes VERY LITTLE!).
It takes a real piece of work to mess up such a beautiful experience as a massage. I forgive him, but I will never forget. (Maybe I will--are those the experiences we take with us through the years? Maybe the sunshine can burn them away...
Ahhh...rain is really really dying out now...lovers must be asleep...something drug-like about these late night hours...sober though I am...time to burn the mix...then sleep...ENOUGH!
Feelings of "acting in" resonating in me since Friday when I had a strange Voice Over lesson..."Be Steven Orr! BE STEVEN ORR...BE YOURSELF...!" Ye Gads it is so difficult to sound authentic selling SOAP, CARS!!! TASTEE KAKE!!!!!!...Same in Acting Class "Be Yourself BE YOURSELF...! BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Why am I putting myself through this--this PAIN? And spending money for it yet??? When the bitter truth is no matter how talented or how natural--(or how much I can psyche myself into NOT CARING whether I get the part)..the chances--the sheer chances are thousands to one that any of this will pay off! Yes--LIKE WINNING LOTTO! And the time one spends...listening to teachers...some wanking you off for the buck...others sincere...bottom line you must trust that some good will come out of it--that someone's being honest! That its fun and can be lucrative...that you are more than a pair of hands attached to a good looking body.
So...I returned to music tonight--like an old friend--it was there. I worked for hours on a new massage mix...everything from Faure to the "titles" theme from PASSENGERS (weeping and releasing to that, so luscious...) Bach, Mrs. Harris, SOMA, AFTERGLOW, etc. It's such a groove working on a body and listening to the seamlessness of the music--how the songs blend into each other...I can make mental notes...it occupies my mind when working...
So nice to escape from the heady trip of acting and commercial Voice Over lessons...music provides a natural feeling of "head endorphins" even without mind-altering substances or chemicals...it's the sound of beauty that does it...it's a comfort like a kind of rapture.
Oh...rain coming down harder now...I can here lovers below pounding away...: ). Is that the sound of cats walking upstairs? I wish new neighbor would buy carpets!
Much earlier this evening I heard a party going on in some backyard garden off 7th Street...a woman laughing hysterically and loudly...like a character in an Opera set in BELLVUE Hospital. I called Andrew next door..."Can you hear that laughter?" I said--
"It's because you're getting old--so you feel a need to connect with overs (voice very gravelly and sinister sounding...).
"Bull----" I said "Somebody's is having an unbelievably, incredibly happy time and I just want to see what the hell she/they are laughing at! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING OLD!"
Andrew "Did I ever tell you about the time years ago..."
I cut him off and said "let's just make a deal to call each other every three days or so--to make sure we are still alive. So our cats won't starve." He agreed.
Before that some hairdresser on a hook-up site said "You must be constantly dating, out with men--hooking up-having fun--so popular..."
Little does he know what a normal life I lead (well--when it's slow...).
Ahhhh, the rain continues...the mix I believe is done bouncing...it was going for 54 minutes...now I hope it burns without flaws...they started outsourcing Maxell CDs outside of Japan so the quality is horrible--like Memorex and others...I spent 50 bucks buying a 100 PROFESSIONAL quality CDs (ones still made in Japan) so hopefully they won't skip.
Must to bed...antsy from slowness in work...like pulling teeth...same syndrome...talented as all shit but without knowing a star your bottom feeding, bottom feeding...talk about developing character--GEESH! I AM!
I threw out Dr. Higgins on Friday...he was one hour late and so damn arrogant...I just couldn't cope...no amount of money was worth it...I felt empowered being able to say "Yes--you need to leave". My self-respect. My integrity. He burbled and grumbled out loud down the flight of steps and out the door, expostulating negatives. Projecting them onto me for my being "uncooperative" with the ritual. Just because one is a doctor--it doesn't give one license to be act like a prick (especially--yes VERY LITTLE!).
It takes a real piece of work to mess up such a beautiful experience as a massage. I forgive him, but I will never forget. (Maybe I will--are those the experiences we take with us through the years? Maybe the sunshine can burn them away...
Ahhh...rain is really really dying out now...lovers must be asleep...something drug-like about these late night hours...sober though I am...time to burn the mix...then sleep...ENOUGH!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Early Summer 09 "On Being Feral"
It's been a while...life continues to evolve...I continue to reflect...on exactly what I'm doing on the planet and how I feel about it...what's important now.
Today my boss at the cancer hospital where I do massage one day a week and I were talking about the business of Show Business. I was explaining to her how I got a nasty email from a Casting Agent concerning an email I had sent him asking if his "Meet the Agent Seminar" (which he is charging like $200 bucks for) was legitimate. My reason for the question was that after making the second payment on-line I was taken to a "SECURITY ALERT" HACKERS SITE twice which had to do with the name of a book he had written...image of said site is here...
This warning image page is a must to avoid--usually an indication of a PHISHING SITE for spewing out viruses or collecting credit card numbers (not a good thing). After I was taken to this warning site twice and was unable to locate the "legit office" of said Casting Director's place of business in N.Y.C., I sent an email to him--basically stating that I was ready to contact S.A.G. and the N.Y.P.D. and my lawyer if somebody didn't respond pronto (not just Pay Pal who took my payment and cc number. Robots are great at collecting money--not so good at customer service) about what the the h----- was going on here (Internet fraud is big business).
Said Casting Director fired back an email that if this was the way I communicated to people who work in THE INDUSTRY (let's see--was he referring to SHOW BUSINESS or THE INTERNET? I kind of forget as they seem to be morphing into one big entity) then "perhaps you are not ready to HAVE an agent". I replied with an email apologizing for the bluntness of my previous email but reminded said CD that any man has a right to investigate and ask questions IF HE THINKS HE IS THE VICTIM OF FRAUD--WHETHER HE IS AN ACTOR OR NON-ACTOR (emphasis added--mine).
Hmmm....as of now I'm still in this seminar. Of course it remains to be seen whether the experience will be good or bad. A waste of money and another pipe dream or perhaps will lead to venues where I can use my strong talents as an actor or a spokesperson in THE INDUSTRY...SHOW BUSINESS, print, Voice Overs, etc.
I bring this up because in communicating this experience to my boss, her initial take was "well...he had the breaks and you didn't". But that isn't the point...that's not the way it is...
I left SHOW BUSINESS because it was stressful finding work; and I didn't like the work I was doing and I felt basically unempowered as an artist and as an entrepreneur. The money was laughable, I couldn't get an agent to look at me, times were changing and I needed real money to protect and keep my home, etc. I danced, I acted, I got into the unions--I did all the right things. I worked my ass off too and the reward was never equal to the paycheck. Finally I formed a band; I was a cocktail pianist--I played around the world. In that venue I soon realized I was a singing lampshade--Wowa! Time for another change--them came massage...
I have been massaging people for 18 years. In that period I managed to create and produce two CD's. Two years ago I finished my one-man show. I acted out my Father, I SANG HIM! Other characters are a 9-11 hero, a crack-whore and a Republican who sings about how great AIDS is because it broke the bisexual movement in America and got rid of all the undesirable elements so that the rich and the Christian Conservatives could flourish and win ultimate victory...(one of the final songs is his, called 'HOLLOW NATION'). All the characters sing--I wrote all the music and lyrics.
A few months ago (at said Cancer hospital) I gave a one-hour lecture on "Complementary Approaches to Pain and Stress Management" in which I covered so many things I have learned about from working and giving therapy and bodywork to all kinds of people for these 18 years. If my life had taken a different turn...I might be a face you'd recognize from TV, bit parts in movies or print ads., etc. but really...no amount of being in front of a camera could ever really replace what I've learned in the vast body of "helping people knowledge" (witchy-wise man knowledge that can only be learned from experience--not a certification, a degree or a workshop--it's called LIFE and LIVING).
Indeed in working on people--I have processed so much in my life's experiences (and remained free of anti-depressants STILL--how the hell did THAT HAPPEN???) and been able to transform many of my experiences into music, (9-11, addiction, Father love, joy). I don't think I could have processed all my life's music if I didn't live the way I have lived. Nor it seems on further reflection, could I have survived all the changes in my culture--as a gay, bisexual man, not to mention the life experiences (being Gay-bashed--being EXTREMELY low-income and STILL being able to be an artist)--and maintain a somewhat healthy (though very low-income) lifestyle in one of the richest and most stressed out cities in the world!
I must be doing something right!
The email from the Casting Director was a stressful reminder of the beauty and the heartbreak of Show Business. I love acting! I love being in front of a camera and pretending. I love the magic, I love watching and being with beautiful people! Who the heck wouldn't? But mostly I love the play and the comedy and drama. What I forget is that Show Business is all about image. It's not just the face, the voice-it's every single word that comes out of your mouth if you're talking to anyone in SHOW BUSINESS. It's about as far away from touching people with your hands as you can get.
What I also forget is that Show Business (movies, the music industry) is so very VERY carefully packaged, produced, controlled, typecast and managed that the space for creativity for the artist is becoming smaller and smaller. (According to Bette Davis there was very little gratitude in Hollywood). Movie making and the television industry rival any NAZI training camp in terms of control and political allegiance. Who could come up with more fascistic and intrinsically American art/business forms of commerce? People say "Thank you" at the Oscars with a big smile. I never heard anybody say "Thanks but talk about PAIN--you have no idea WHAT it took to GET HERE!" You seldom hear about the thousands of broken hearts and broken dreams. There are simply too many I think; and through sheer numbers they enter the world of the mundane, the average, and the non-fabulous.
I think part of my distrust of being in Show Business is that it fucks seriously with my freedom. I distrust that.
In the midst of a performance at THE CARLYLE, no one in the audience cares to hear the chanteuse relate stories of real life or how she got to be where she is today. They simply want to see that she has arrived. They want the finished product, the perfect song. Not hearing about the lessons or the arthritic Mom (or knee!!!).
Maybe that's why doing the lecture at the hospital was so fulfilling. It was like I was acting but I was acting IN and OUT things I believed in--not merely playing cute characters mouthing words or being sexy...I was on a kind of mission. But not as boorish as Dr. Phil.
A friend recently tried to paint the entertainment industry as something wonderful because it elevated people--it transported them. I wonder if this is true--or just Show Business just a continuation of samsara--or being hypnotized by life's earthy seductions and being further carried away from the path to God.
Certainly relieving someone's pain or releasing them from stress is a more grounded way of offering compassion then smiling for the camera. But maybe some of us need both in our lives? When we sing are we being compassionate? Or is it just (if you sing well) like something gorgeous that reminds people of beauty?--or like a bird singing...to attract a mate, to make love to the simple tree or to the leaves and sky in which one dances and celebrates the infinite joy of life and the sadness of it's unbearably temporary nature. Joy and sadness--incarnate...this is also the double (interdependent face of God.)
Where the hell does SHOW BUSINESS fit in? When I look back on my career (pre-massage)--yeah I see some joy but so much cruelty too. So much mean-spirited stuff. It's kind of like life actually.
I guess I've come to view life as basically not "being what you make it" but more of an unjust experience of pain, suffering and the cycles of birth, life and death ad infinitum. Maybe that's why I love joy and humor and music so much...they are colors that for brief beatific moments--take us OUT and AWAY from the suffering. They elevate us into moments that define explanation. We are all God then--when we laugh--when the music is taking us in--making us all one.
I pray the child martyr with the nuclear-bomb doesn't take us all up and OUT!
Tonight as I woke up at 4:39 a.m. (sober) and had to reflect and regurgitate these thoughts while all is dark in the East Village of Manhattan. It's now 6:23 a.m. and I am revising.
The reason I am writing this is NOT to find a husband! Or defend myself. The reason I write this is to explain and hopefully clarify things to myself. If somebody benefits great. If not it's not a factor in my self-expression.
I have done the best I can in my life with what I've been given. I'm made mistakes but enslaving myself to a system that regards actors as pawns or slaves is something that I've extricated myself from and worked very hard to avoid. This isn't about me being a pussy, a diva or "the problem-guy"; nor is it a simple rationalization. I'm careful not to become involved in abusive relationships or put myself into a situation where my talents--whether they be bodyworker, masseur, massage therapist, songwriter or Pilates teacher are dismissed as something less than OR TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
I'm comfortable being a bodyworker and definitely love to be in control. It's a stretch for me to learn to control myself 'AS AN IMAGE' of something. And yet--they demand that you not only be AN IMAGE but that YOU ALSO BE REAL.
It's kind of whacked actually.
I think that's why I actively moved out of THE INDUSTRY...I didn't like the fakeness of it...I needed something to do that was more grounded and more real...so I touched people...I need something I could stick my hands in (literally--and boy did I ever get that!).
But then I'm really nothing but a human being and I will die one die. How simple and elegant is that? SUCH HEAVENLY SIMPLICITY!
But who the hell can be a unique entity nowadays without a lot of dough???? That's the challenge--there too is where the birds, the songs and the sky as blessed friend; the trees as kindred spirits come in. THEY never got on TV or got an agent, an Oscar or royalties and yet they are quite happy and contented to have missed these things. Their addiction is completely at one with nature chi, therefore it is pure and non-addictive. Nature of earth exists as we have in us "nature of mind".
I'm SO glad the earth is here to balance out the machines and the celluloid!
I'm Steve Orr, no better or worse than any other person. But there will only be one of me. The trick is to keep learning and to not become grandiose. It takes a helluva lot of forgiveness of myself to be beautiful and talented and to be a revolutionary thinker who sees the big picture and has a lot of love for many people and things--as opposed to a hollow person or ego-driven poser who wields power out of fear of being a looser.
I hope I can have more tolerance for people and be able to forgive myself and RELEASE things even more and more. After all is said and done...it still seems to me that the best part of the day is just lying underneath the clouds; where my mind can really float and I can really make love to the sky with my eyes, feelings and imagination. I guess I'm lucky to have this "facility" or appreciation of nature or whatever it is. Perhaps in some ways I'm feral--as the sky calms me whereas people tend to make me nervous.
God--where am I going? Or is it just enough to say "I'm here?"
Today my boss at the cancer hospital where I do massage one day a week and I were talking about the business of Show Business. I was explaining to her how I got a nasty email from a Casting Agent concerning an email I had sent him asking if his "Meet the Agent Seminar" (which he is charging like $200 bucks for) was legitimate. My reason for the question was that after making the second payment on-line I was taken to a "SECURITY ALERT" HACKERS SITE twice which had to do with the name of a book he had written...image of said site is here...
This warning image page is a must to avoid--usually an indication of a PHISHING SITE for spewing out viruses or collecting credit card numbers (not a good thing). After I was taken to this warning site twice and was unable to locate the "legit office" of said Casting Director's place of business in N.Y.C., I sent an email to him--basically stating that I was ready to contact S.A.G. and the N.Y.P.D. and my lawyer if somebody didn't respond pronto (not just Pay Pal who took my payment and cc number. Robots are great at collecting money--not so good at customer service) about what the the h----- was going on here (Internet fraud is big business).
Said Casting Director fired back an email that if this was the way I communicated to people who work in THE INDUSTRY (let's see--was he referring to SHOW BUSINESS or THE INTERNET? I kind of forget as they seem to be morphing into one big entity) then "perhaps you are not ready to HAVE an agent". I replied with an email apologizing for the bluntness of my previous email but reminded said CD that any man has a right to investigate and ask questions IF HE THINKS HE IS THE VICTIM OF FRAUD--WHETHER HE IS AN ACTOR OR NON-ACTOR (emphasis added--mine).
Hmmm....as of now I'm still in this seminar. Of course it remains to be seen whether the experience will be good or bad. A waste of money and another pipe dream or perhaps will lead to venues where I can use my strong talents as an actor or a spokesperson in THE INDUSTRY...SHOW BUSINESS, print, Voice Overs, etc.
I bring this up because in communicating this experience to my boss, her initial take was "well...he had the breaks and you didn't". But that isn't the point...that's not the way it is...
I left SHOW BUSINESS because it was stressful finding work; and I didn't like the work I was doing and I felt basically unempowered as an artist and as an entrepreneur. The money was laughable, I couldn't get an agent to look at me, times were changing and I needed real money to protect and keep my home, etc. I danced, I acted, I got into the unions--I did all the right things. I worked my ass off too and the reward was never equal to the paycheck. Finally I formed a band; I was a cocktail pianist--I played around the world. In that venue I soon realized I was a singing lampshade--Wowa! Time for another change--them came massage...
I have been massaging people for 18 years. In that period I managed to create and produce two CD's. Two years ago I finished my one-man show. I acted out my Father, I SANG HIM! Other characters are a 9-11 hero, a crack-whore and a Republican who sings about how great AIDS is because it broke the bisexual movement in America and got rid of all the undesirable elements so that the rich and the Christian Conservatives could flourish and win ultimate victory...(one of the final songs is his, called 'HOLLOW NATION'). All the characters sing--I wrote all the music and lyrics.
A few months ago (at said Cancer hospital) I gave a one-hour lecture on "Complementary Approaches to Pain and Stress Management" in which I covered so many things I have learned about from working and giving therapy and bodywork to all kinds of people for these 18 years. If my life had taken a different turn...I might be a face you'd recognize from TV, bit parts in movies or print ads., etc. but really...no amount of being in front of a camera could ever really replace what I've learned in the vast body of "helping people knowledge" (witchy-wise man knowledge that can only be learned from experience--not a certification, a degree or a workshop--it's called LIFE and LIVING).
Indeed in working on people--I have processed so much in my life's experiences (and remained free of anti-depressants STILL--how the hell did THAT HAPPEN???) and been able to transform many of my experiences into music, (9-11, addiction, Father love, joy). I don't think I could have processed all my life's music if I didn't live the way I have lived. Nor it seems on further reflection, could I have survived all the changes in my culture--as a gay, bisexual man, not to mention the life experiences (being Gay-bashed--being EXTREMELY low-income and STILL being able to be an artist)--and maintain a somewhat healthy (though very low-income) lifestyle in one of the richest and most stressed out cities in the world!
I must be doing something right!
The email from the Casting Director was a stressful reminder of the beauty and the heartbreak of Show Business. I love acting! I love being in front of a camera and pretending. I love the magic, I love watching and being with beautiful people! Who the heck wouldn't? But mostly I love the play and the comedy and drama. What I forget is that Show Business is all about image. It's not just the face, the voice-it's every single word that comes out of your mouth if you're talking to anyone in SHOW BUSINESS. It's about as far away from touching people with your hands as you can get.
What I also forget is that Show Business (movies, the music industry) is so very VERY carefully packaged, produced, controlled, typecast and managed that the space for creativity for the artist is becoming smaller and smaller. (According to Bette Davis there was very little gratitude in Hollywood). Movie making and the television industry rival any NAZI training camp in terms of control and political allegiance. Who could come up with more fascistic and intrinsically American art/business forms of commerce? People say "Thank you" at the Oscars with a big smile. I never heard anybody say "Thanks but talk about PAIN--you have no idea WHAT it took to GET HERE!" You seldom hear about the thousands of broken hearts and broken dreams. There are simply too many I think; and through sheer numbers they enter the world of the mundane, the average, and the non-fabulous.
I think part of my distrust of being in Show Business is that it fucks seriously with my freedom. I distrust that.
In the midst of a performance at THE CARLYLE, no one in the audience cares to hear the chanteuse relate stories of real life or how she got to be where she is today. They simply want to see that she has arrived. They want the finished product, the perfect song. Not hearing about the lessons or the arthritic Mom (or knee!!!).
Maybe that's why doing the lecture at the hospital was so fulfilling. It was like I was acting but I was acting IN and OUT things I believed in--not merely playing cute characters mouthing words or being sexy...I was on a kind of mission. But not as boorish as Dr. Phil.
A friend recently tried to paint the entertainment industry as something wonderful because it elevated people--it transported them. I wonder if this is true--or just Show Business just a continuation of samsara--or being hypnotized by life's earthy seductions and being further carried away from the path to God.
Certainly relieving someone's pain or releasing them from stress is a more grounded way of offering compassion then smiling for the camera. But maybe some of us need both in our lives? When we sing are we being compassionate? Or is it just (if you sing well) like something gorgeous that reminds people of beauty?--or like a bird singing...to attract a mate, to make love to the simple tree or to the leaves and sky in which one dances and celebrates the infinite joy of life and the sadness of it's unbearably temporary nature. Joy and sadness--incarnate...this is also the double (interdependent face of God.)
Where the hell does SHOW BUSINESS fit in? When I look back on my career (pre-massage)--yeah I see some joy but so much cruelty too. So much mean-spirited stuff. It's kind of like life actually.
I guess I've come to view life as basically not "being what you make it" but more of an unjust experience of pain, suffering and the cycles of birth, life and death ad infinitum. Maybe that's why I love joy and humor and music so much...they are colors that for brief beatific moments--take us OUT and AWAY from the suffering. They elevate us into moments that define explanation. We are all God then--when we laugh--when the music is taking us in--making us all one.
I pray the child martyr with the nuclear-bomb doesn't take us all up and OUT!
Tonight as I woke up at 4:39 a.m. (sober) and had to reflect and regurgitate these thoughts while all is dark in the East Village of Manhattan. It's now 6:23 a.m. and I am revising.
The reason I am writing this is NOT to find a husband! Or defend myself. The reason I write this is to explain and hopefully clarify things to myself. If somebody benefits great. If not it's not a factor in my self-expression.
I have done the best I can in my life with what I've been given. I'm made mistakes but enslaving myself to a system that regards actors as pawns or slaves is something that I've extricated myself from and worked very hard to avoid. This isn't about me being a pussy, a diva or "the problem-guy"; nor is it a simple rationalization. I'm careful not to become involved in abusive relationships or put myself into a situation where my talents--whether they be bodyworker, masseur, massage therapist, songwriter or Pilates teacher are dismissed as something less than OR TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
I'm comfortable being a bodyworker and definitely love to be in control. It's a stretch for me to learn to control myself 'AS AN IMAGE' of something. And yet--they demand that you not only be AN IMAGE but that YOU ALSO BE REAL.
It's kind of whacked actually.
I think that's why I actively moved out of THE INDUSTRY...I didn't like the fakeness of it...I needed something to do that was more grounded and more real...so I touched people...I need something I could stick my hands in (literally--and boy did I ever get that!).
But then I'm really nothing but a human being and I will die one die. How simple and elegant is that? SUCH HEAVENLY SIMPLICITY!
But who the hell can be a unique entity nowadays without a lot of dough???? That's the challenge--there too is where the birds, the songs and the sky as blessed friend; the trees as kindred spirits come in. THEY never got on TV or got an agent, an Oscar or royalties and yet they are quite happy and contented to have missed these things. Their addiction is completely at one with nature chi, therefore it is pure and non-addictive. Nature of earth exists as we have in us "nature of mind".
I'm SO glad the earth is here to balance out the machines and the celluloid!
I'm Steve Orr, no better or worse than any other person. But there will only be one of me. The trick is to keep learning and to not become grandiose. It takes a helluva lot of forgiveness of myself to be beautiful and talented and to be a revolutionary thinker who sees the big picture and has a lot of love for many people and things--as opposed to a hollow person or ego-driven poser who wields power out of fear of being a looser.
I hope I can have more tolerance for people and be able to forgive myself and RELEASE things even more and more. After all is said and done...it still seems to me that the best part of the day is just lying underneath the clouds; where my mind can really float and I can really make love to the sky with my eyes, feelings and imagination. I guess I'm lucky to have this "facility" or appreciation of nature or whatever it is. Perhaps in some ways I'm feral--as the sky calms me whereas people tend to make me nervous.
God--where am I going? Or is it just enough to say "I'm here?"
Thursday, May 7, 2009
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