I'm riding down 6th Ave. on my bike on a gorgeous fall night;
heading for the Royalton to work on a client
I feel like a true biker
a renegade or a pirate
So free and hot
It was a nice ride, a beautiful night in the city
The client didn't tip; I saw it coming
and processed it--it was OK...
I stayed on my sex plan
JOY!!!!!!
I'm creating new energy-
Positive things are brewing...
Later I biked up to Grant's Tomb
(I think there was a sign on the door
that said "Back in 5 minutes");
stretched out on a bench,
noticed the trees and a few stars shining.
Some kids were tossing a football
I biked home and noticed
the autumn colors and leaves
in the streetlights;
The moon was a half orange slice of pumpkin
Big and low floating just on top of the Hudson River;
Venus was still high and bright
in the Southwestern sky
She's been there for a
few years it seems
(Love is a poison gas...)
Watched "The Proposal",
laughed and cried
the bed's calling me
to dream time now.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Forgiveness
I must reflect on forgiveness of this actor of his act of "micro-violence" as I forgive myself when I am being "less than the highest part of myself"...or being unmindful or allowing my mind to dwell in ignorance or chaos...
OMNAMASHIVIA=I BOW TO THE HIGHEST WITHIN MYSELF...
OMNAMASHIVIA=I BOW TO THE HIGHEST WITHIN MYSELF...
End of Acting Class
Did half VO demo today...great experience...
In KK's acting class it was Ballistics night which is filled with lots of great emotional exercises and play...good time to grow and learn.
Jude a black actor in the class was doing an improvisation with another actor when he said something about "do you want me to s---- your c--- you f-----? I know I'm tough and have thick skin but I found this really upsetting.
Later on that same guy (whom everyone in class just adores it seems) was looking for someone to "direct" him in an improv and standing in front of me he said looking at me "No, not you." Hmmm.
I have been sitting here processing this. I would never use the "N" word on stage; I don't really understand how the actor Jude can get away with using the "F" word the way he did; and K (the teaching letting this go by). To me it showed how ignorant this guy was. I'm going to bring it up in my "evaluation" on Friday with her.
Otherwise, though upset and pondering this blot of ignorance, I did enjoy going out and socializing with the rest of the class on this one of the last nights. Acting is something I'm really good at. But it's a numbers game. I want to keep with the VO demo and working that aspect of the business...it seems a bit more stable. Wendy Dillon is a greaaat VO coach. Kelly Kimball's a damn good acting teacher. It's a pity that people in the arts can't be sensitive to violent words. I do see however that Jude probably has it harder being cast than I would because he is black. Does this excuse ignorance? No, it just adds to it. Why do homosexuals get the s----- end of the stick so often, while a racist remark can quickly cause a full blown out riot? It's so unbalanced...both are examples of unmindful expression. Where do you draw the line? Is it anything possible (acceptable) in "art" because we have artistic license? Hmmm...controversial stuff...makes me sleepy...
Heart feeing good. Not pushing myself so hard...still biking like a demon (sometimes...it's such a darned endorphine rush! "AHHHH THE OPEN ROAD!")
In KK's acting class it was Ballistics night which is filled with lots of great emotional exercises and play...good time to grow and learn.
Jude a black actor in the class was doing an improvisation with another actor when he said something about "do you want me to s---- your c--- you f-----? I know I'm tough and have thick skin but I found this really upsetting.
Later on that same guy (whom everyone in class just adores it seems) was looking for someone to "direct" him in an improv and standing in front of me he said looking at me "No, not you." Hmmm.
I have been sitting here processing this. I would never use the "N" word on stage; I don't really understand how the actor Jude can get away with using the "F" word the way he did; and K (the teaching letting this go by). To me it showed how ignorant this guy was. I'm going to bring it up in my "evaluation" on Friday with her.
Otherwise, though upset and pondering this blot of ignorance, I did enjoy going out and socializing with the rest of the class on this one of the last nights. Acting is something I'm really good at. But it's a numbers game. I want to keep with the VO demo and working that aspect of the business...it seems a bit more stable. Wendy Dillon is a greaaat VO coach. Kelly Kimball's a damn good acting teacher. It's a pity that people in the arts can't be sensitive to violent words. I do see however that Jude probably has it harder being cast than I would because he is black. Does this excuse ignorance? No, it just adds to it. Why do homosexuals get the s----- end of the stick so often, while a racist remark can quickly cause a full blown out riot? It's so unbalanced...both are examples of unmindful expression. Where do you draw the line? Is it anything possible (acceptable) in "art" because we have artistic license? Hmmm...controversial stuff...makes me sleepy...
Heart feeing good. Not pushing myself so hard...still biking like a demon (sometimes...it's such a darned endorphine rush! "AHHHH THE OPEN ROAD!")
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Lyphatic Drainage
To further assist me in my healing...especially in light of the the swollen lymph node (from the angiogram) and any extraneous fluid hanging out in the lymph of the right side of my bod. I had Nicole come over and work on my with the Vodder technique of lymphatic drainage...very very gentle...feels good...I also learned the technique to be able to do it to myself...
Great for healing especially in cases of swollen tissue after lipsuction or after breast surgery or radiation treatments...more info here
Great for healing especially in cases of swollen tissue after lipsuction or after breast surgery or radiation treatments...more info here
Friday, September 25, 2009
God Keep My Gentle
Please God hear me. I feel so lost and hopeless. Without meaning...bereft of friends, money...yet I have enough...let me be grateful for what I have...though it be small.
In these high holy days...I beg forgiveness for my self-serving attitude...for my inability to connect to people and I shout out gratefulness for the joyous beings who walk the earth who do point me to the light and to the laughter.
Please also forgive me for this huge feeling of being lost and without direction...all I have is this weird "vibe" about being an actor...it seems ridiculous almost...
I even went to a meeting today and heard words of hope but something in me later wanted to turn away and be cold...to "the group"...GOD I WISH I COULD BE WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE LAUGHING AND NOT WHINING AND CRYING ABOUT THEIR FEAR OF LIFE, THE ENDLESS I'M AN ADDICT TAPES. BLA HBLA HBLA HBLAH BLAH...
I am going to kick back and watch TV...I asked God for direction...hear me sweet Lord...let me be of light and not dark...or both (which is more whole!).
In the midst of my hell I DID do one good deed last night...I picked some kid up out of the gutter and stood him on his feet and stayed with him a while...and then he LURCHED OUT into the night...OK.
And I'm not doing that damn cardezem because I'm sick and tired of having a weird-feeling stomach...I would rather die young then live with these crappy side-effects...time will tell if this decision has detrimental effects...
In these high holy days...I beg forgiveness for my self-serving attitude...for my inability to connect to people and I shout out gratefulness for the joyous beings who walk the earth who do point me to the light and to the laughter.
Please also forgive me for this huge feeling of being lost and without direction...all I have is this weird "vibe" about being an actor...it seems ridiculous almost...
I even went to a meeting today and heard words of hope but something in me later wanted to turn away and be cold...to "the group"...GOD I WISH I COULD BE WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE LAUGHING AND NOT WHINING AND CRYING ABOUT THEIR FEAR OF LIFE, THE ENDLESS I'M AN ADDICT TAPES. BLA HBLA HBLA HBLAH BLAH...
I am going to kick back and watch TV...I asked God for direction...hear me sweet Lord...let me be of light and not dark...or both (which is more whole!).
In the midst of my hell I DID do one good deed last night...I picked some kid up out of the gutter and stood him on his feet and stayed with him a while...and then he LURCHED OUT into the night...OK.
And I'm not doing that damn cardezem because I'm sick and tired of having a weird-feeling stomach...I would rather die young then live with these crappy side-effects...time will tell if this decision has detrimental effects...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
HEART ATTACK 9-11 to now 9-20
Tonight I went biking...(Sat.). It's not 12:51 Sunday...that will be 1 week and two days since I went to the ER at Beth Israel with chest pains. As I finished my post-attack workout I fantasized about moving to Madison, Wisconsin IF ONLY FOR A YEAR...just to get away from NEW YORK CHAOS! I wonder if I'd appreciate it here more upon returning OR STAY IN WISCONSIN!
I have had my first heart attack. I biked for about 45 min. tonight. It was delicious by the river. Overpopulated and loud with people everywhere else.
Have I been given another chance? The h.a. wasn't that severe. However today I woke up with incredibly nauseating pain everywhere...kidneys, diaphragm--you name it. The fucking statin they gave me ZOCOR--seems one of the side effects on a person who out very much such as myself (also being prone to arthritis may be a factor...inflammation I mean)--is INTENSIVE PAIN...ha. I thought I was having KIDNEY FAILURE...biking brought some relief...doctors inferred that h.a. patient should gradually "work up" to previous levels taking as long as six weeks...absurd. How absurd too for the doctor who returned my call today to tell me to HALF the dose...this shit is lethal (talk about fucking your quality of life! He inferred it's a generic statin and it's cheap--so the side effects are numerous--whereas the expensive ones don't have side effects ?!?!?!?...ahhh...I adore BEING sick in a capitalistic nation!
I can't believe a whole week has passed. I have a "kinked" coronary artery and when my heart contracts very STRONGLY...then the KINK kind of rubs and stings and TROPONIN (was) secreted last Friday...that's the death cell chemical the heart cells release when they are dying...mine got up to 8 before leveling off...I think one of the doctors said 4100 is a severe heart attack...the person dies.
I'm grateful I'm alive, wake up call, must be more gentle with myself. I must someHOW learn to CALM MYSELF...on these streets...I must pray more and learn to carry parts of my comatose meditative state WITH me...not just use it like a cocktail and then EXPLODE into the street.
Acting class starts Monday and clients number were miraculously good this week. A particular client stole something from me. That hasn't happened in ages! It's particularly distressing because he was a regular. But his denial about everything to so utterly complete...of course he is prone to act out like a thief...serial killers take trophies I've heard. Well...I sent him email demanding the return of the item. y hunch is he will deny. But even if I am wrong...I cannot work on him again. The vibe is way to unhealthy.
My sex plan day count ended anti-climatically last night...so today is again day one. Interestingly enough I did go to a meeting before and even got a chance to share. Afterward-the urge to not BOTTOM LINE wasn't strong enough I guess and the person I did it with had actually CALLED ME in the E.R. the night of the heart attack--I told him what was going on--and he said like "OH MY"...then proceeded to call me back FOUR DAYS LATER--the day I got out of the hospital. And this is the guy I lost my day count with GEEZ! I think I need to do some serious self-esteem renovation when it comes to men.
A meeting with sponsor R. is in the cards but I want to feel stronger yet...and I'm not sure how I feel about Step 1. My life isn't UNMANAGEABLE...ONLY MY ISOLATION...I will see him tomorrow at HEARTS meetings...
hmmmm...
Thank you God and Soul for this journey for for giving me a chance to get punched out and knocked down. I'm really good at picking myself up, thank you higher power for my strength--which many people lack...but these streets are hard God...and this city is like a series of constant explosions with so many ways of the dream saying no. A Thankless hell and yet I have no idea how I could make money in Tucson...please let me listen to your will...take me on your journey...not mine. Amen.
xx
I have had my first heart attack. I biked for about 45 min. tonight. It was delicious by the river. Overpopulated and loud with people everywhere else.
Have I been given another chance? The h.a. wasn't that severe. However today I woke up with incredibly nauseating pain everywhere...kidneys, diaphragm--you name it. The fucking statin they gave me ZOCOR--seems one of the side effects on a person who out very much such as myself (also being prone to arthritis may be a factor...inflammation I mean)--is INTENSIVE PAIN...ha. I thought I was having KIDNEY FAILURE...biking brought some relief...doctors inferred that h.a. patient should gradually "work up" to previous levels taking as long as six weeks...absurd. How absurd too for the doctor who returned my call today to tell me to HALF the dose...this shit is lethal (talk about fucking your quality of life! He inferred it's a generic statin and it's cheap--so the side effects are numerous--whereas the expensive ones don't have side effects ?!?!?!?...ahhh...I adore BEING sick in a capitalistic nation!
I can't believe a whole week has passed. I have a "kinked" coronary artery and when my heart contracts very STRONGLY...then the KINK kind of rubs and stings and TROPONIN (was) secreted last Friday...that's the death cell chemical the heart cells release when they are dying...mine got up to 8 before leveling off...I think one of the doctors said 4100 is a severe heart attack...the person dies.
I'm grateful I'm alive, wake up call, must be more gentle with myself. I must someHOW learn to CALM MYSELF...on these streets...I must pray more and learn to carry parts of my comatose meditative state WITH me...not just use it like a cocktail and then EXPLODE into the street.
Acting class starts Monday and clients number were miraculously good this week. A particular client stole something from me. That hasn't happened in ages! It's particularly distressing because he was a regular. But his denial about everything to so utterly complete...of course he is prone to act out like a thief...serial killers take trophies I've heard. Well...I sent him email demanding the return of the item. y hunch is he will deny. But even if I am wrong...I cannot work on him again. The vibe is way to unhealthy.
My sex plan day count ended anti-climatically last night...so today is again day one. Interestingly enough I did go to a meeting before and even got a chance to share. Afterward-the urge to not BOTTOM LINE wasn't strong enough I guess and the person I did it with had actually CALLED ME in the E.R. the night of the heart attack--I told him what was going on--and he said like "OH MY"...then proceeded to call me back FOUR DAYS LATER--the day I got out of the hospital. And this is the guy I lost my day count with GEEZ! I think I need to do some serious self-esteem renovation when it comes to men.
A meeting with sponsor R. is in the cards but I want to feel stronger yet...and I'm not sure how I feel about Step 1. My life isn't UNMANAGEABLE...ONLY MY ISOLATION...I will see him tomorrow at HEARTS meetings...
hmmmm...
Thank you God and Soul for this journey for for giving me a chance to get punched out and knocked down. I'm really good at picking myself up, thank you higher power for my strength--which many people lack...but these streets are hard God...and this city is like a series of constant explosions with so many ways of the dream saying no. A Thankless hell and yet I have no idea how I could make money in Tucson...please let me listen to your will...take me on your journey...not mine. Amen.
xx
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Day 13 Taking back my Power
I must be doing something right...yesterday while lying on roof a few hours after biking home from Beth Israel a pigeon attempted to land on my heart--surely a sign from God I am on the right path!
: ).
Called Spenser before 9:30 client--felt need to act out--but saying Serenity Prayer during the massage helped me to not go there...I feel self-possessed and blessed. It was a beautiful session nevertheless.
It's not everyday that one gets out of the hospital after suffering a heart-attack...so throwing oneself totally back into bottom line behavior would be logical...but soul prayer, understanding, compassion, higher power are working here...it's the end of "OLD" furniture...soul is longing for the new stuff--and going there with a Sweet vengeance!
Must send card to 9th Floor Coronary Care Unit, Karen, Comlee, Nichola, Jennifer...all the doctors...
Love-Gratitude
St.O
: ).
Called Spenser before 9:30 client--felt need to act out--but saying Serenity Prayer during the massage helped me to not go there...I feel self-possessed and blessed. It was a beautiful session nevertheless.
It's not everyday that one gets out of the hospital after suffering a heart-attack...so throwing oneself totally back into bottom line behavior would be logical...but soul prayer, understanding, compassion, higher power are working here...it's the end of "OLD" furniture...soul is longing for the new stuff--and going there with a Sweet vengeance!
Must send card to 9th Floor Coronary Care Unit, Karen, Comlee, Nichola, Jennifer...all the doctors...
Love-Gratitude
St.O
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