Endless Sleep and CHI--Ugliness-Beauty

7-27-08


There was only one deep suicidal thought today....and it was that the feeling of being so tired so that I imagined for a moment what it would be like to just sleep and never wake up--never feel that awful pain (CUE: violins here) --that loneliness-the up's and down---the constant war with everything and everybody everywhere....how nice that would be! Of course I'm being a major drama queen, but it's unhealthy to pretend I DON'T have these thoughts...

But isn't it possible to meditate and be free of suffering if only for a very short time?

I think so....

Great party tonight in Jersey...I didn't know anyone but one person there- a very likable DJ--and had successful communications with several people with the possibility of a deepening friendship with both DJ Michael Roselli and friend Ken--who is very into Buddhism. The latter and I are going to make a date to go to the Rubin; and one lady came up to me "FLO" and said "Who is that singing? I KNOW good music and that guy is good!" It was me jamming on some Beatport Tune "Free From Your Spell" aka F12 ha ha

It's here


New therapist is a good thing and going to church tomorrow--if nothing else than to practice socializing and perhaps making new friends. I don't believe in God, nor do I believe in love; but I do believe in some sort of hope; there's nothing wrong with thinking about death. What fool wouldn't welcome the release of death if life pain became intolerable. Sometimes we can escape the experience of painful thoughts by thinking beautiful ones--it's a great help if you are rich. Recovery is always easier with room service...

It's very important that I remember that when I'm feeling acute depressed and/or lonely than THESE FEELINGS TOO will pass; it's important to keep working on my project, my music, my exercise videos, my new video in particular---an idea about Loneliness called "Loneliness--the Silent Killer";

Then here is always the healthy activity of going out and actively pursuing Group Activities, Gay Tango, Church, Sailing Group

Then there's therapy---being completely honest with someone; and talking in particular about what's working well and talking about techniques I can employ to combat bouts of depression. I think part of the problem is that as I age I prefer to simply be left alone and allowing the feelings to pass--as opposed to actively going "out there" and entertaining myself while wearing a smile. Fake smiles are allowed....then it all come down to a choice--does one WANT to take action to get one's mind off the negative shit bouncing around endlessly inside one's brain--

--also taking intense exercise is very healthy---also orgasms---

so far I continue to have CHI that drives me on---it's all about CHI

Ahh--also a thought--porn addiction very strong right now; comes with the insecurity of lousy business, being in the city for the summer; etc. A pure and simple desire to do things that make me feel good and make the bad feelings go away. Some people say you should look at the bad feelings...thats true to a degree but the reason I threw out Tolle's "Power of Now Book" was that I saw too deeply into the moment and it was staring out of a shitty apartment in the East Village right smack into the corner of another shitty tenement made of brick; it's dangerous to radically accept the now if the now is butt fuck ugly...

Goodnight I love you--see you in the morning!

xxx