I am like a chameleon--it must be the inner actor in me. Up here in the Vermont woods I feel a deep peace, a sad gratefulness for the beauty and kindness that friends and strangers have shown me. A vulnerable kind of open-hearted smiling...
the challenge is to hold onto this, to search for and seek out this EVERYWHERE I am, everywhere I go...this is the challenge, the spiritual lesson of a lifetime for me.
If I can't reflect this golden compassion in the midst of urban sterility, coldness, indifference, attitude, ignorance, etc., perhaps at least the lessons of meditation--to be able to detach from all (especially from ever-present cruelty)--can be a kind of saving grace; a prophylaxis to keep from being sucked into the dance of resentment and hate.
Oh that dirty plastic rigidity of artificial city life! Yesterday after a long and incredibly powerful meditation, I lay down and smelled the earth, putting my nose into it, resting my head upon it. What a rapturous perfume it was--the all healing Mother Father--ageless earth, primal animal nature-all healing, all knowing, empty of ignorance, only perfect life death web of beingness. The livingness of every atom here; and then there is the hunger for the man...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Being Gay in New York and Other Observations
I often wonder why being gay in NYC often feels like being in some kind of weird rigid religious cult? Sometimes I also wonder why when being in a large group of gay men I feel as if the queeniness that takes over us is almost violent in it's nature?
Some parts of me I consider to be very liberal, others I feel are very much like a kind of redneck from the trailer parks of Illinois. When I try to act like other liberals, I feel like a fake.
I don't really care about marriage myself but anybody who believes in an amendment to the constitution stating that only a man and woman can be legally married is truly also saying that I do not have the same rights--nor am I equal to them because I suck cock. This is contrary to ideas espoused by three of the most enlightened Americans in history--all of whom--have reiterated the idea that "All men are created equal", Jefferson, Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. I find it ironic that Republicans tend to call themselves more patriotic than democrats, yet most seem to be blind to this idea which is one of the key concepts that the American government was founded upon.
I really hate it when I see or hear other gay queens using the phrase "Don't be a hater." Boy, listening to that over and over again would certainly be enough to make me hate everything.
If I had a lot of money; I would buy a lifetime of health insurance, make sure I had a million in a retirement fund; then I would probably volunteer teach or volunteer a few days a week in a hospital, preferably somewhere like Calvary in the Bronx where people check in but they don't check out.
Working with dying people is the best way to reclaim one's humbleness and to feel the small sparkle and warmth of humanity. Riding to the Bronx even one day a week on the number 6 train is enough to make one loose one's humanity and think terribly racist thoughts about most people one sees on the train ride up there.
It's very challenging to try and think like a Buddhist (understanding, compassion for oneself and others, etc.) when you see a fat Latin woman litter on a subway car.
If I had a lot of money, every other weekend I would leave the city and go up to Cape Cod and stay near the ocean in order to cleanse myself of New York neurosis-- which tends to pile up if I stay here for long periods of time without leaving.
I'm really glad I'm an "ethical slut"; and quite sad that it seems at times there's no justice in the world.
I wish I could discover the cure for becoming bitter and turning into a curmudgeon; I would heavily medicate myself every day and freely offer it to my curmudgeonly neighbors. I doubt however if they would except my gift as too many of them love to be miserable.
I don't really regret being a songwriter who hasn't made thousands on his talent, but I do question WHY God or Higher Power gave me so much talent in that area and yet life gave me no big breaks. Weird. There seem to be so many secretaries and masseurs who don't hear music, produce, write lyrics, etc., I wonder why I was chosen to be one of those and yet hear so much both original and cover music playing in my head? Now finally I can stop feeling angry; indeed, I still ponder the question but it's definitely not worth stressing about...
I'm absolutely mystified as to why I can be in a near state of blissful meditation for a short period of time--and within the hour be screaming my head off at a neighbor about her barking dog (nicknamed "Osama bin Laden")?
I often wish I had a spiritual mentor, but most Buddhists I meet would be severely disapproving of my favorite form of entertainment--besides playing myself--which is watching "SOUTH PARK".
It is truly ironic that I live in a coop which actually has no coop board (yet claims that it does).
We tell ourselves lies; sometimes this is hurtful but other times living in denial is the most painfree method we can devise to live...
Most elitists are also extremely tight-assed, and the mask of an intellectual often hides a person severely out of touch with their body.
Some parts of me I consider to be very liberal, others I feel are very much like a kind of redneck from the trailer parks of Illinois. When I try to act like other liberals, I feel like a fake.
I don't really care about marriage myself but anybody who believes in an amendment to the constitution stating that only a man and woman can be legally married is truly also saying that I do not have the same rights--nor am I equal to them because I suck cock. This is contrary to ideas espoused by three of the most enlightened Americans in history--all of whom--have reiterated the idea that "All men are created equal", Jefferson, Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. I find it ironic that Republicans tend to call themselves more patriotic than democrats, yet most seem to be blind to this idea which is one of the key concepts that the American government was founded upon.
I really hate it when I see or hear other gay queens using the phrase "Don't be a hater." Boy, listening to that over and over again would certainly be enough to make me hate everything.
If I had a lot of money; I would buy a lifetime of health insurance, make sure I had a million in a retirement fund; then I would probably volunteer teach or volunteer a few days a week in a hospital, preferably somewhere like Calvary in the Bronx where people check in but they don't check out.
Working with dying people is the best way to reclaim one's humbleness and to feel the small sparkle and warmth of humanity. Riding to the Bronx even one day a week on the number 6 train is enough to make one loose one's humanity and think terribly racist thoughts about most people one sees on the train ride up there.
It's very challenging to try and think like a Buddhist (understanding, compassion for oneself and others, etc.) when you see a fat Latin woman litter on a subway car.
If I had a lot of money, every other weekend I would leave the city and go up to Cape Cod and stay near the ocean in order to cleanse myself of New York neurosis-- which tends to pile up if I stay here for long periods of time without leaving.
I'm really glad I'm an "ethical slut"; and quite sad that it seems at times there's no justice in the world.
I wish I could discover the cure for becoming bitter and turning into a curmudgeon; I would heavily medicate myself every day and freely offer it to my curmudgeonly neighbors. I doubt however if they would except my gift as too many of them love to be miserable.
I don't really regret being a songwriter who hasn't made thousands on his talent, but I do question WHY God or Higher Power gave me so much talent in that area and yet life gave me no big breaks. Weird. There seem to be so many secretaries and masseurs who don't hear music, produce, write lyrics, etc., I wonder why I was chosen to be one of those and yet hear so much both original and cover music playing in my head? Now finally I can stop feeling angry; indeed, I still ponder the question but it's definitely not worth stressing about...
I'm absolutely mystified as to why I can be in a near state of blissful meditation for a short period of time--and within the hour be screaming my head off at a neighbor about her barking dog (nicknamed "Osama bin Laden")?
I often wish I had a spiritual mentor, but most Buddhists I meet would be severely disapproving of my favorite form of entertainment--besides playing myself--which is watching "SOUTH PARK".
It is truly ironic that I live in a coop which actually has no coop board (yet claims that it does).
We tell ourselves lies; sometimes this is hurtful but other times living in denial is the most painfree method we can devise to live...
Most elitists are also extremely tight-assed, and the mask of an intellectual often hides a person severely out of touch with their body.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Release-Healing with Nature Power
One of the strongest healers in the universe is nature. I am in Vermont. Anger disappears as the gorgeous colors of the foliage engulf me; mauve shadows wrap my body in their rapture of color. Sterility, violence, and ignorance disappear. My heart can relax...every moment a Kodak moment.
We will write music, play music; we will visit the Bennington Triangle near Glastenbury, Vermont known to be haunted. I hope to do a small Shamanic journey there--calling upon dark and light forces to assist me in healing crankiness and curmudgeonly vibes of myself, the tight-assed coldness of neighbors, and the ongoing "heartbreak-hotel ennui" of living in building devoid of soul and beauty and any kind of governing power OTHER than that of profit-driven inflated (and absent) sublet fees? Is there soul and beauty in New York--or is there merely men, sex, aging, real estate and an attempt to understand a brittle greedy world gone quite to hell? Every day there is a lesson in tolerating people. Can one pray for other people? Or should one just pray to have the power to ignore imbecilic behavior of others?
I once tried to believe that every one wants the same thing--happiness. Now I begin to see that some people thrive on spreading their own misery like a kind of cancerous web cast out to cover and engulf others...
Are these continual lessons in personal growth? Or merely stressful situations that cause disease and numbness?
I am saturated by urban idiocy...I need to travel...
I welcome the coming Recession, a Depression even. There is too much wealth gone astray in a world of imaginary numbers. The world needs to be reminded that soul is stronger than materialism...I am so glad "the big ones" may have to worry about common things like health insurance and lack of retirement! Hooray! If McCain wins--I am definitely immigrating for American stupidity will have triumphed over any sense of reason. Fear and the lobotomy of religion leaving us further into the new "American Dark Age".
I am the last of the nature freaks loving men; my hands and body are my work. Music is my muse...
The night before I arrived here I dreamt of books on Lucifer and Light falling from the sky...then today I awoke with a song in my melody mind "You've Got a lot of mileage on that thing---" ; )(sung to the tune of "Tiger by the Tale").
I am so grateful for friends! Thank you universal spirit for my rediscovery of them; socialization/companionship with no meter running...ahhhh
xxx
We will write music, play music; we will visit the Bennington Triangle near Glastenbury, Vermont known to be haunted. I hope to do a small Shamanic journey there--calling upon dark and light forces to assist me in healing crankiness and curmudgeonly vibes of myself, the tight-assed coldness of neighbors, and the ongoing "heartbreak-hotel ennui" of living in building devoid of soul and beauty and any kind of governing power OTHER than that of profit-driven inflated (and absent) sublet fees? Is there soul and beauty in New York--or is there merely men, sex, aging, real estate and an attempt to understand a brittle greedy world gone quite to hell? Every day there is a lesson in tolerating people. Can one pray for other people? Or should one just pray to have the power to ignore imbecilic behavior of others?
I once tried to believe that every one wants the same thing--happiness. Now I begin to see that some people thrive on spreading their own misery like a kind of cancerous web cast out to cover and engulf others...
Are these continual lessons in personal growth? Or merely stressful situations that cause disease and numbness?
I am saturated by urban idiocy...I need to travel...
I welcome the coming Recession, a Depression even. There is too much wealth gone astray in a world of imaginary numbers. The world needs to be reminded that soul is stronger than materialism...I am so glad "the big ones" may have to worry about common things like health insurance and lack of retirement! Hooray! If McCain wins--I am definitely immigrating for American stupidity will have triumphed over any sense of reason. Fear and the lobotomy of religion leaving us further into the new "American Dark Age".
I am the last of the nature freaks loving men; my hands and body are my work. Music is my muse...
The night before I arrived here I dreamt of books on Lucifer and Light falling from the sky...then today I awoke with a song in my melody mind "You've Got a lot of mileage on that thing---" ; )(sung to the tune of "Tiger by the Tale").
I am so grateful for friends! Thank you universal spirit for my rediscovery of them; socialization/companionship with no meter running...ahhhh
xxx
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