Lovers in the Rain--late night E.Vill. Insomnia

Raining very very hard...now starting to let up. I heard noises out back and two lovers--neighbors from below--were standing in the rain half-naked stretching and kissing in each other's arms...lovely...I would have joined them but but--...it seemed to be their moment...I didn't want to intrude. The woman had a broken foot in a cast, wrapped in clear plastic.

Feelings of "acting in" resonating in me since Friday when I had a strange Voice Over lesson..."Be Steven Orr! BE STEVEN ORR...BE YOURSELF...!" Ye Gads it is so difficult to sound authentic selling SOAP, CARS!!! TASTEE KAKE!!!!!!...Same in Acting Class "Be Yourself BE YOURSELF...! BLAH BLAH BLAH...

Why am I putting myself through this--this PAIN? And spending money for it yet??? When the bitter truth is no matter how talented or how natural--(or how much I can psyche myself into NOT CARING whether I get the part)..the chances--the sheer chances are thousands to one that any of this will pay off! Yes--LIKE WINNING LOTTO! And the time one spends...listening to teachers...some wanking you off for the buck...others sincere...bottom line you must trust that some good will come out of it--that someone's being honest! That its fun and can be lucrative...that you are more than a pair of hands attached to a good looking body.

So...I returned to music tonight--like an old friend--it was there. I worked for hours on a new massage mix...everything from Faure to the "titles" theme from PASSENGERS (weeping and releasing to that, so luscious...) Bach, Mrs. Harris, SOMA, AFTERGLOW, etc. It's such a groove working on a body and listening to the seamlessness of the music--how the songs blend into each other...I can make mental notes...it occupies my mind when working...

So nice to escape from the heady trip of acting and commercial Voice Over lessons...music provides a natural feeling of "head endorphins" even without mind-altering substances or chemicals...it's the sound of beauty that does it...it's a comfort like a kind of rapture.

Oh...rain coming down harder now...I can here lovers below pounding away...: ). Is that the sound of cats walking upstairs? I wish new neighbor would buy carpets!

Much earlier this evening I heard a party going on in some backyard garden off 7th Street...a woman laughing hysterically and loudly...like a character in an Opera set in BELLVUE Hospital. I called Andrew next door..."Can you hear that laughter?" I said--

"It's because you're getting old--so you feel a need to connect with overs (voice very gravelly and sinister sounding...).

"Bull----" I said "Somebody's is having an unbelievably, incredibly happy time and I just want to see what the hell she/they are laughing at! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING OLD!"

Andrew "Did I ever tell you about the time years ago..."

I cut him off and said "let's just make a deal to call each other every three days or so--to make sure we are still alive. So our cats won't starve." He agreed.

Before that some hairdresser on a hook-up site said "You must be constantly dating, out with men--hooking up-having fun--so popular..."

Little does he know what a normal life I lead (well--when it's slow...).

Ahhhh, the rain continues...the mix I believe is done bouncing...it was going for 54 minutes...now I hope it burns without flaws...they started outsourcing Maxell CDs outside of Japan so the quality is horrible--like Memorex and others...I spent 50 bucks buying a 100 PROFESSIONAL quality CDs (ones still made in Japan) so hopefully they won't skip.

Must to bed...antsy from slowness in work...like pulling teeth...same syndrome...talented as all shit but without knowing a star your bottom feeding, bottom feeding...talk about developing character--GEESH! I AM!

I threw out Dr. Higgins on Friday...he was one hour late and so damn arrogant...I just couldn't cope...no amount of money was worth it...I felt empowered being able to say "Yes--you need to leave". My self-respect. My integrity. He burbled and grumbled out loud down the flight of steps and out the door, expostulating negatives. Projecting them onto me for my being "uncooperative" with the ritual. Just because one is a doctor--it doesn't give one license to be act like a prick (especially--yes VERY LITTLE!).

It takes a real piece of work to mess up such a beautiful experience as a massage. I forgive him, but I will never forget. (Maybe I will--are those the experiences we take with us through the years? Maybe the sunshine can burn them away...

Ahhh...rain is really really dying out now...lovers must be asleep...something drug-like about these late night hours...sober though I am...time to burn the mix...then sleep...ENOUGH!