Now for Group Therapy--Ahhhh Summer in the City!

Now I am trying out Group Therapy as a way to "connect" with other men. I have little hope that it will change the state of my life...which is isolated to say the least.

I have one friend who lives in ALB. N.M., and many acquaintances. This is not said out of anger, misery or frustration. It is a simple fact.

The past few days I became obsessed very fast with another masseur who lives in Buffalo. The few nights when we talked on the phone the it was so soothing--addictively so. I found myself saying romantic things by the third day--becoming almost drunk on him! I have never even MET this person--obviously the experience was quickly moving into the realm of R.O. (romantic obsession). The man either because of his youth or lack of experience didn't seem to comprehend the meaning of this phrase. He asked me what it meant twice. (Perhaps because during one of the Internet "chats" at his day job he was "multitasking" which I find to basically be an excuse for "not being fully present with any one thing"). I think I shared this with him. At that point he told me to "lighten up".

My next question concerned a financial inquiry. He suddenly had very strong boundaries and said "I only share that with my accountant"--(and hinting that later on he may choose to share such information with me...). How gracious of him! At this point I abruptly ended the chat and said I needed to sort the laundry and be productive as it occurred to me that he was sitting in his office being paid to "multitask" (chatting with me being one of the tasks) and I was jealous that he was making money and I wasn't -- so I needed to get busy and do something productive as I wasn't on any one's "meter". This was our last chat yesterday. I don't think there will be another. What first appeared healthy was turning into something dark...

Geographical relationships never work--I've learned from vast experience (when I used to actually date people--God can I even remember what that was like?).

I sincerely wish this boy the best (34 years old) obviously way too young and am glad that we shared our experiences...however because I find that I am going R.O. about him, it's truly better that we stop contact. I hope he reads this...he probably won't. Very few people do.

A pity--when two men can honestly come clean with each other and confess their honest feelings about the awful frustration that comes from experiencing how queer men lie and use and manipulate each other...truly a pity he lives in another city. We could have been friends. I never meet people like that here...which is pretty damn strange if you think of how many people there are. But most of us here are too busy keeping people out of our faces and moving around the obstacles they create so that we can get things done. Things which in the larger scheme of things-I'm wondering if anything is important actually...does anything have any real meaning today. In NYC everything seems more and more to be reduced to a series of transactions. Is that basically all that life is?!

I have the talent but it takes fate to make a career in show business. Fate has never been kind to me...but she did give me a nice body and a great talent for music and comedy. Without someone to appreciate these gifts--they go rotting and wasted. Without being able to translate these things into the professional life of being an actor--" It's as if you were given something weird, a deformity. How could I ever see my musical gifts like that? My ability to mime, to act...Doubly strange when I reflect on this weird outmoded idea of "being a professional" how, when I actually became a paid musician on a cruise ship--it made me utterly detest playing cocktail music--a very dangerous thing for such a musical and sensitive soul such as myself!

I must say the group isn't a good thing if it creates suicidal thoughts! One fellow shared tonight that when he first joined the group two years ago--he was healthy. The following two years saw him going through a multitude of health problems. On reflection afterward I thought of saying to him--"Perhaps this Group Therapy Thing is MAKING YOU SICK!" (However I didn't want to appear the Devil's Advocate).

Ha ha! I wonder if he would have laughed. I doubt it--he works for the State. They tend to be pretty humorless.

Perhaps my R.O. will come to the city and we will have a massage exchange...that would be nice. It is a nice way to experience the healing and sensuality man to man. I have no expectations with anyone about anything (except for the need to avoid mercenaries).

The closeness of our conversations and my all too quickly moving into that awful place of grasping and craving...Oh God--how sweet it would have been to fall in love...I do recall the highs...was it the 70's, the 80's-- and a few desperate attempts in the 90's leading up the traumas, bashing, 9-11. Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah---everyone suffers--some more than others--some less...this young man's therapist's advice was "you don't have to process everything". How shallow...What does an old woman know about being queer? Not much. What good is going to a therapist if you don't tell them the truth? Not much. He was telling me things he resisted telling her! Because he said she would disapprove of some of his actions...but isn't human growth based on conflict and resolution--not lulling each other to sleep with nice platitudes and bullshit! Whatever...

What difference does it make? There is so damn much rotten therapy out there anyway.

Anyway the conversations with my "peer" were really good, however I would prefer being alone every day and every night. That way one cannot miss the experience of love or R.O. or attachment. The pain of living without such things is less acute than the clinging neediness and emotional involvement of a working to have a significant other in one's life!

Also it's quite good that I snip this in the bud now. It might be dangerous to get a taste of something...I might like it too much. After all most people DO have significant others. Besides, I go back to my original thought...who the hell is this guy? He's some stranger I met through a hook up site!!!!!!

I remember when I used to have "best friends". So wonderful really. No more.

I do, however ponder if this emotional disinvolvemnt from others affects my acting? My ability to earn? Obviously my ability to connect with others. I find joy and peace on the roof deck. I really don't like to walk in the streets on a lovey day--the streets are tense and noisy and pretty awful. Everyone is severely barricaded now. There are so many walls and so much armor. No wonder I have chest pains when I'm around people alot and walking instead of biking! I wonder when it changed so for me?

It was a slow logical progression Steven...and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it but go to your recovery meetings and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME (or one massage appointment at a time or one audition or acting class at a time!)...

It would be nice to say "the world is what you make it" but I lost that belief a long time ago. I feel like a warrior with shell shock. Vipers are everywhere. I'm not imagining this, they are.

Do I even still love the city? Where does it come from I wonder? The isolation--my disinclination to "be social"? Today a man turned to me in the Group and said "Why are you like this?"

I threw out a few phrases...the typical cliches, but finally I said--"I really don't know--and after a while you just accept that it is--you stop feeling the pain of being without friends", stop trying to make them and just start digging being alone." And there really aren't any opportunities to make friends. Or if one presents itself--why I wonder does it turn ugly or clingy or weird with expectations and mucky muck? Perhaps Buddhist meetings...that's a possibility. Certainly not the Internet with it's hypnotizing malaise only exacerbating the isolation...making you think you're connecting when your just staring into glass and metal...and robots...

I truly think it's the toxicity of New York. Another man in the group said he "thought I was afraid".

Ummm, I've been "processing that" and I can honestly say--"Yes I guess I'm afraid; of loud noises and cunty comments from the female trainers at CRUNCH--the ignorance and the arrogance and the heartlessness of Manhattan--but not really afraid of this stuff--more like always wearing armor as a protection against it. One must. The city's deadly for the open heart chakra...simply deadly...I must share this at next Buddha 12 step meeting; There at least one can get a breath of what an open heart must feel like. Here, living in the East Village of NYC for some 30 years. No way Jose.

No-it's not fear--if it was I would have left along time ago. But I do know how absolutely hideous people can be. Perhaps that's why I actually prefer my own company. The man who accused me of fear also said "Your prostate's probably enlarged" after I shared something about having high PSA numbers last week. He's somehow not "with it" or "in touch" that he would say the obvious and make such a bad analysis of my "problem". It drives me a bit mad when people tell you things that are just plain wrong or that you know already. I guess that's why I'm in this group. You can only go so far with people in an acting class. It's great for acting skills. But we are trying to be artificial THERE. Here I think I'm in group because my "Fear" is that I'm somehow lacking in some way. Like I'm diseased...yes...maybe I'm--what did (well I just remembered I do have two friends--my lawyer being the second one!) Alan say "You're saturated". Astute comment that. One doesn't mean to become socially isolated out of fear. It's being sick of people and disappointed time and time again that causes one to love animals and trees, worship the sun, cry when one is working on people (but only when they are in a position where they cannot see the tears or feel them running down--I am so good at hiding tears...

Still I do find it valuable to help relieve people of their suffering...so there must be a part of me that does indeed love humanity; isn't totally fed up--a very tiny bird is still singing in my heart. Something of hope...absurd though that sounds. After all I've been through all these years. No wonder I found people in the Netherlands so damned tough! Those people had been through two world wars!

Strange that I used to make friends so easily and have so much fun. Is this part of the aging process? Millions would say yes. The slow move into the deadly trap of isolation --deadly if you are single. But I rejoice in not being attached, with children...All THAT muck! This is the price I pay for absolutely being responsible only to myself. There is no one to help me up the stairs. Fuck it--I'll buy myself a walker.

I am truly amazed at how much I shared with the Buffalo masseur about the difficulty of living here. The pain inherent in everything from making money to meeting new people--Gosh...I wonder if I really should consider living in N.Y. yet another unhealthy addiction? But I would so miss the characters and the energy and that lovely "zing" that can only be found in NYC!

Perhaps I should simply EMBRACE being NEUROTIC!!!!!

There's a level of quality here in this city culture--that still shines albeit the noise stress, ignorance and arrogance can work you nerves trying to uncover it! Trying to touch it or learn it or experience it...is not unlike finding hen's teeth!

In Tucson, there's no "zing" but the sun can feel nicely gold on your skin driving in a hypnotic trance in that dense traffic...but all all the sameness in people-- and that awful lack of culture...the sleepy ignorance of the sameness...the suburban blitz...

Is my isolation merely the result of an addictive lifestyle? Narcissism? Intolerance for people who snort and smell funny (I attempted to nurture a friendship with a black Chelsea Gay man this year but eventually his bad habits curdled the urge--I think he wanted a sexual involvement but I wanted to keep it platonic). He seemed to be such a wimp too. What attracted me to him? The chance of a friendship. We reached a mutual impasse...the communication stopped. I wish Ken well...

How can one be a friend with someone in a city hundreds of miles away? Not really possible...just as it's not possible to be pals with that middle-aged female Record Executive who works at Time Warner--no matter HOW seductive fun and bisexual (so she said) she appeared to be. The only way I could have nurtured that bond would have been to have had sex with her and I didn't want that. I simply wanted to be her friend. But she was totally unavailable. Her seduction was making me feel so close to her so fast. Or was that me-projecting something onto her (a friendship with a stranger--how unlikely--I guess that's why people operate in groups, for safety's sake). Perhaps I thought we were characters in a Seinfeld episode--and it was cool! But she was unable to meet my needs. **** that! No returned calls after "God you are so muscular and talented and funny and blah blah blah blah..." She pulled away after only our second meeting. I felt very used. Is this some weird script I myself am acting out with everyone I meet? I'm so tired of being used. Damn! Clearly she was not available and I was. Clearly. But how does one know enough to let down the walls with the one who MAY be available?????? Ay--THERE'S THE RUB!

One story out of 9 million in the naked city. Happy Fourth of July Steve! Thanks Steve--I love you! Keep the faith--somehow. Listen for the birds!

I prefer the peace of meditation to all this soap opera. I've had my starring roles in the corner bar. Now I could definitely use some tree therapy.

Fourth of July.

I'll give the group another 3 weeks.

It is of no consequence. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe this is all heart work...perhaps all a dream...