Today my boss at the cancer hospital where I do massage one day a week and I were talking about the business of Show Business. I was explaining to her how I got a nasty email from a Casting Agent concerning an email I had sent him asking if his "Meet the Agent Seminar" (which he is charging like $200 bucks for) was legitimate. My reason for the question was that after making the second payment on-line I was taken to a "SECURITY ALERT" HACKERS SITE twice which had to do with the name of a book he had written...image of said site is here...
This warning image page is a must to avoid--usually an indication of a PHISHING SITE for spewing out viruses or collecting credit card numbers (not a good thing). After I was taken to this warning site twice and was unable to locate the "legit office" of said Casting Director's place of business in N.Y.C., I sent an email to him--basically stating that I was ready to contact S.A.G. and the N.Y.P.D. and my lawyer if somebody didn't respond pronto (not just Pay Pal who took my payment and cc number. Robots are great at collecting money--not so good at customer service) about what the the h----- was going on here (Internet fraud is big business).
Said Casting Director fired back an email that if this was the way I communicated to people who work in THE INDUSTRY (let's see--was he referring to SHOW BUSINESS or THE INTERNET? I kind of forget as they seem to be morphing into one big entity) then "perhaps you are not ready to HAVE an agent". I replied with an email apologizing for the bluntness of my previous email but reminded said CD that any man has a right to investigate and ask questions IF HE THINKS HE IS THE VICTIM OF FRAUD--WHETHER HE IS AN ACTOR OR NON-ACTOR (emphasis added--mine).
Hmmm....as of now I'm still in this seminar. Of course it remains to be seen whether the experience will be good or bad. A waste of money and another pipe dream or perhaps will lead to venues where I can use my strong talents as an actor or a spokesperson in THE INDUSTRY...SHOW BUSINESS, print, Voice Overs, etc.
I bring this up because in communicating this experience to my boss, her initial take was "well...he had the breaks and you didn't". But that isn't the point...that's not the way it is...
I left SHOW BUSINESS because it was stressful finding work; and I didn't like the work I was doing and I felt basically unempowered as an artist and as an entrepreneur. The money was laughable, I couldn't get an agent to look at me, times were changing and I needed real money to protect and keep my home, etc. I danced, I acted, I got into the unions--I did all the right things. I worked my ass off too and the reward was never equal to the paycheck. Finally I formed a band; I was a cocktail pianist--I played around the world. In that venue I soon realized I was a singing lampshade--Wowa! Time for another change--them came massage...
I have been massaging people for 18 years. In that period I managed to create and produce two CD's. Two years ago I finished my one-man show. I acted out my Father, I SANG HIM! Other characters are a 9-11 hero, a crack-whore and a Republican who sings about how great AIDS is because it broke the bisexual movement in America and got rid of all the undesirable elements so that the rich and the Christian Conservatives could flourish and win ultimate victory...(one of the final songs is his, called 'HOLLOW NATION'). All the characters sing--I wrote all the music and lyrics.
A few months ago (at said Cancer hospital) I gave a one-hour lecture on "Complementary Approaches to Pain and Stress Management" in which I covered so many things I have learned about from working and giving therapy and bodywork to all kinds of people for these 18 years. If my life had taken a different turn...I might be a face you'd recognize from TV, bit parts in movies or print ads., etc. but really...no amount of being in front of a camera could ever really replace what I've learned in the vast body of "helping people knowledge" (witchy-wise man knowledge that can only be learned from experience--not a certification, a degree or a workshop--it's called LIFE and LIVING).
Indeed in working on people--I have processed so much in my life's experiences (and remained free of anti-depressants STILL--how the hell did THAT HAPPEN???) and been able to transform many of my experiences into music, (9-11, addiction, Father love, joy). I don't think I could have processed all my life's music if I didn't live the way I have lived. Nor it seems on further reflection, could I have survived all the changes in my culture--as a gay, bisexual man, not to mention the life experiences (being Gay-bashed--being EXTREMELY low-income and STILL being able to be an artist)--and maintain a somewhat healthy (though very low-income) lifestyle in one of the richest and most stressed out cities in the world!
I must be doing something right!
The email from the Casting Director was a stressful reminder of the beauty and the heartbreak of Show Business. I love acting! I love being in front of a camera and pretending. I love the magic, I love watching and being with beautiful people! Who the heck wouldn't? But mostly I love the play and the comedy and drama. What I forget is that Show Business is all about image. It's not just the face, the voice-it's every single word that comes out of your mouth if you're talking to anyone in SHOW BUSINESS. It's about as far away from touching people with your hands as you can get.
What I also forget is that Show Business (movies, the music industry) is so very VERY carefully packaged, produced, controlled, typecast and managed that the space for creativity for the artist is becoming smaller and smaller. (According to Bette Davis there was very little gratitude in Hollywood). Movie making and the television industry rival any NAZI training camp in terms of control and political allegiance. Who could come up with more fascistic and intrinsically American art/business forms of commerce? People say "Thank you" at the Oscars with a big smile. I never heard anybody say "Thanks but talk about PAIN--you have no idea WHAT it took to GET HERE!" You seldom hear about the thousands of broken hearts and broken dreams. There are simply too many I think; and through sheer numbers they enter the world of the mundane, the average, and the non-fabulous.
I think part of my distrust of being in Show Business is that it fucks seriously with my freedom. I distrust that.
In the midst of a performance at THE CARLYLE, no one in the audience cares to hear the chanteuse relate stories of real life or how she got to be where she is today. They simply want to see that she has arrived. They want the finished product, the perfect song. Not hearing about the lessons or the arthritic Mom (or knee!!!).
Maybe that's why doing the lecture at the hospital was so fulfilling. It was like I was acting but I was acting IN and OUT things I believed in--not merely playing cute characters mouthing words or being sexy...I was on a kind of mission. But not as boorish as Dr. Phil.
A friend recently tried to paint the entertainment industry as something wonderful because it elevated people--it transported them. I wonder if this is true--or just Show Business just a continuation of samsara--or being hypnotized by life's earthy seductions and being further carried away from the path to God.
Certainly relieving someone's pain or releasing them from stress is a more grounded way of offering compassion then smiling for the camera. But maybe some of us need both in our lives? When we sing are we being compassionate? Or is it just (if you sing well) like something gorgeous that reminds people of beauty?--or like a bird singing...to attract a mate, to make love to the simple tree or to the leaves and sky in which one dances and celebrates the infinite joy of life and the sadness of it's unbearably temporary nature. Joy and sadness--incarnate...this is also the double (interdependent face of God.)
Where the hell does SHOW BUSINESS fit in? When I look back on my career (pre-massage)--yeah I see some joy but so much cruelty too. So much mean-spirited stuff. It's kind of like life actually.
I guess I've come to view life as basically not "being what you make it" but more of an unjust experience of pain, suffering and the cycles of birth, life and death ad infinitum. Maybe that's why I love joy and humor and music so much...they are colors that for brief beatific moments--take us OUT and AWAY from the suffering. They elevate us into moments that define explanation. We are all God then--when we laugh--when the music is taking us in--making us all one.
I pray the child martyr with the nuclear-bomb doesn't take us all up and OUT!
Tonight as I woke up at 4:39 a.m. (sober) and had to reflect and regurgitate these thoughts while all is dark in the East Village of Manhattan. It's now 6:23 a.m. and I am revising.
The reason I am writing this is NOT to find a husband! Or defend myself. The reason I write this is to explain and hopefully clarify things to myself. If somebody benefits great. If not it's not a factor in my self-expression.
I have done the best I can in my life with what I've been given. I'm made mistakes but enslaving myself to a system that regards actors as pawns or slaves is something that I've extricated myself from and worked very hard to avoid. This isn't about me being a pussy, a diva or "the problem-guy"; nor is it a simple rationalization. I'm careful not to become involved in abusive relationships or put myself into a situation where my talents--whether they be bodyworker, masseur, massage therapist, songwriter or Pilates teacher are dismissed as something less than OR TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
I'm comfortable being a bodyworker and definitely love to be in control. It's a stretch for me to learn to control myself 'AS AN IMAGE' of something. And yet--they demand that you not only be AN IMAGE but that YOU ALSO BE REAL.
It's kind of whacked actually.
I think that's why I actively moved out of THE INDUSTRY...I didn't like the fakeness of it...I needed something to do that was more grounded and more real...so I touched people...I need something I could stick my hands in (literally--and boy did I ever get that!).
But then I'm really nothing but a human being and I will die one die. How simple and elegant is that? SUCH HEAVENLY SIMPLICITY!
But who the hell can be a unique entity nowadays without a lot of dough???? That's the challenge--there too is where the birds, the songs and the sky as blessed friend; the trees as kindred spirits come in. THEY never got on TV or got an agent, an Oscar or royalties and yet they are quite happy and contented to have missed these things. Their addiction is completely at one with nature chi, therefore it is pure and non-addictive. Nature of earth exists as we have in us "nature of mind".
I'm SO glad the earth is here to balance out the machines and the celluloid!
I'm Steve Orr, no better or worse than any other person. But there will only be one of me. The trick is to keep learning and to not become grandiose. It takes a helluva lot of forgiveness of myself to be beautiful and talented and to be a revolutionary thinker who sees the big picture and has a lot of love for many people and things--as opposed to a hollow person or ego-driven poser who wields power out of fear of being a looser.
I hope I can have more tolerance for people and be able to forgive myself and RELEASE things even more and more. After all is said and done...it still seems to me that the best part of the day is just lying underneath the clouds; where my mind can really float and I can really make love to the sky with my eyes, feelings and imagination. I guess I'm lucky to have this "facility" or appreciation of nature or whatever it is. Perhaps in some ways I'm feral--as the sky calms me whereas people tend to make me nervous.
God--where am I going? Or is it just enough to say "I'm here?"
