I had a huge emotional release in Acting Class on Thurs...tears blowing out like Niagara Falls...releasing stuff about clients...my relationship to massage as work, my vision of myself in Show Business (real massage work is anything but sexy--being on the stage IS sexy)---an epiphany truly...that same day in the morning I wrote a monologue...and had a breakthrough reading it..."Spalding Grey-ish" but with more heart & Gay soul!
Not sure whether to continue in Stephanie's class...I admire and respect her as a teacher--but I wonder if I need more sheer technique?...It's one thing to be able to release...it's another to be able to fine tune and control the releasing process--or is this the job of the director and the actor working together?...can I ever be at that level? This is all so new; no longer the "actor" but now feeling more like an artist...so new, so fragile...
Now...(a-hem) to find work in Show Business...kind of like winning the lottery...
Went to see Vieux Carré at Pearl Theater last night.
Lovely--a haunting lyrical piece...characters actually speaking about dying of loneliness...things that real people don't like to talk about today...and every character was craving to be touched in some way...a poetic vision of a micro-cosm of a world where every one was dying for a massage. I had to request to be moved as first seating next to a really large older man with a cane and awful B.O....having compassion doesn't mean one need suffer through the torture of a stranger's bad hygiene...I got to change seats.
Before that had one client all week...an older gentleman who'd just relocated from Scottsdale. A nice session; however he paid me with a check, assuring me it's good. We shall see. And why was he going on and on about the danger of violent encounters in dealing 1-on-1 with strangers. This is not healthy mental energy for me to visit and ruminate on. However if I'm crushed by a taxi or shot by a mental case I've had a good life and am not afraid to leave it.
Must bring bike in. Stress levels low tonight...very laid back...not much contact with the Carnival of Ultra-loud c**** and bus truck and tunnel folk out to stomp through the Friday night turf of the East Village boozed up manic night and prove how tough and obnoxious they can be...thank Goodness...I was sequestered away...
What will the summer bring? Why do I continue to study acting? I think to feel alive and as an antidote to 30 years of city living, 18 years of doing massage; a lifetime of isolation...
It's ironic that cathartic experiences come from having people witness you creatively acting-out your feelings, pain and experiences that you got FROM interacting with damaged people in the first place!
A small group of Gay men sitting near me in the theatre talking about friendly normal things...art openings, renovations of apartments...obviously having money and long histories of friendships with each other...I remained watching from the outside, my attention focused on the actors on stage. Why am I always an alien? Some people are more feral than others, that doesn't make them any less human, warm, friendly, etc. I know I have balance...thank God for Jerry Scott! We had a good musical workout Thursday--but it took a while to warm up...using H4n toy to record; the sound quality is unbelievable...can I afford VO lessons this week? Hope so...
Nef Jones in Acting Class is a jewel. Her comedy and open heart chakra music she played in class Thursday about the East Village Changing///Fading...a privilege to know her and experience her beauty, talent charisma...everybody in that class rocked...and Stephanie's a good coach/acting teacher...but still pondering if I need more of a technique based class? Auditing HB's Christopher Martin Shakespeare class next week...to check out the vibe and see whether he's cool or homophobic?...a mentor, authentic teacher or egoist...we shall see...
My Mom's B-day today...wow...to be 82...Thanks for my home Mom...you were the only one who helped me when I was down...guess that's kinda the strongest love in the world in some way...though you are funny. Guess I am too!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Lovers in the Rain--late night E.Vill. Insomnia
Raining very very hard...now starting to let up. I heard noises out back and two lovers--neighbors from below--were standing in the rain half-naked stretching and kissing in each other's arms...lovely...I would have joined them but but--...it seemed to be their moment...I didn't want to intrude. The woman had a broken foot in a cast, wrapped in clear plastic.
Feelings of "acting in" resonating in me since Friday when I had a strange Voice Over lesson..."Be Steven Orr! BE STEVEN ORR...BE YOURSELF...!" Ye Gads it is so difficult to sound authentic selling SOAP, CARS!!! TASTEE KAKE!!!!!!...Same in Acting Class "Be Yourself BE YOURSELF...! BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Why am I putting myself through this--this PAIN? And spending money for it yet??? When the bitter truth is no matter how talented or how natural--(or how much I can psyche myself into NOT CARING whether I get the part)..the chances--the sheer chances are thousands to one that any of this will pay off! Yes--LIKE WINNING LOTTO! And the time one spends...listening to teachers...some wanking you off for the buck...others sincere...bottom line you must trust that some good will come out of it--that someone's being honest! That its fun and can be lucrative...that you are more than a pair of hands attached to a good looking body.
So...I returned to music tonight--like an old friend--it was there. I worked for hours on a new massage mix...everything from Faure to the "titles" theme from PASSENGERS (weeping and releasing to that, so luscious...) Bach, Mrs. Harris, SOMA, AFTERGLOW, etc. It's such a groove working on a body and listening to the seamlessness of the music--how the songs blend into each other...I can make mental notes...it occupies my mind when working...
So nice to escape from the heady trip of acting and commercial Voice Over lessons...music provides a natural feeling of "head endorphins" even without mind-altering substances or chemicals...it's the sound of beauty that does it...it's a comfort like a kind of rapture.
Oh...rain coming down harder now...I can here lovers below pounding away...: ). Is that the sound of cats walking upstairs? I wish new neighbor would buy carpets!
Much earlier this evening I heard a party going on in some backyard garden off 7th Street...a woman laughing hysterically and loudly...like a character in an Opera set in BELLVUE Hospital. I called Andrew next door..."Can you hear that laughter?" I said--
"It's because you're getting old--so you feel a need to connect with overs (voice very gravelly and sinister sounding...).
"Bull----" I said "Somebody's is having an unbelievably, incredibly happy time and I just want to see what the hell she/they are laughing at! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING OLD!"
Andrew "Did I ever tell you about the time years ago..."
I cut him off and said "let's just make a deal to call each other every three days or so--to make sure we are still alive. So our cats won't starve." He agreed.
Before that some hairdresser on a hook-up site said "You must be constantly dating, out with men--hooking up-having fun--so popular..."
Little does he know what a normal life I lead (well--when it's slow...).
Ahhhh, the rain continues...the mix I believe is done bouncing...it was going for 54 minutes...now I hope it burns without flaws...they started outsourcing Maxell CDs outside of Japan so the quality is horrible--like Memorex and others...I spent 50 bucks buying a 100 PROFESSIONAL quality CDs (ones still made in Japan) so hopefully they won't skip.
Must to bed...antsy from slowness in work...like pulling teeth...same syndrome...talented as all shit but without knowing a star your bottom feeding, bottom feeding...talk about developing character--GEESH! I AM!
I threw out Dr. Higgins on Friday...he was one hour late and so damn arrogant...I just couldn't cope...no amount of money was worth it...I felt empowered being able to say "Yes--you need to leave". My self-respect. My integrity. He burbled and grumbled out loud down the flight of steps and out the door, expostulating negatives. Projecting them onto me for my being "uncooperative" with the ritual. Just because one is a doctor--it doesn't give one license to be act like a prick (especially--yes VERY LITTLE!).
It takes a real piece of work to mess up such a beautiful experience as a massage. I forgive him, but I will never forget. (Maybe I will--are those the experiences we take with us through the years? Maybe the sunshine can burn them away...
Ahhh...rain is really really dying out now...lovers must be asleep...something drug-like about these late night hours...sober though I am...time to burn the mix...then sleep...ENOUGH!
Feelings of "acting in" resonating in me since Friday when I had a strange Voice Over lesson..."Be Steven Orr! BE STEVEN ORR...BE YOURSELF...!" Ye Gads it is so difficult to sound authentic selling SOAP, CARS!!! TASTEE KAKE!!!!!!...Same in Acting Class "Be Yourself BE YOURSELF...! BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Why am I putting myself through this--this PAIN? And spending money for it yet??? When the bitter truth is no matter how talented or how natural--(or how much I can psyche myself into NOT CARING whether I get the part)..the chances--the sheer chances are thousands to one that any of this will pay off! Yes--LIKE WINNING LOTTO! And the time one spends...listening to teachers...some wanking you off for the buck...others sincere...bottom line you must trust that some good will come out of it--that someone's being honest! That its fun and can be lucrative...that you are more than a pair of hands attached to a good looking body.
So...I returned to music tonight--like an old friend--it was there. I worked for hours on a new massage mix...everything from Faure to the "titles" theme from PASSENGERS (weeping and releasing to that, so luscious...) Bach, Mrs. Harris, SOMA, AFTERGLOW, etc. It's such a groove working on a body and listening to the seamlessness of the music--how the songs blend into each other...I can make mental notes...it occupies my mind when working...
So nice to escape from the heady trip of acting and commercial Voice Over lessons...music provides a natural feeling of "head endorphins" even without mind-altering substances or chemicals...it's the sound of beauty that does it...it's a comfort like a kind of rapture.
Oh...rain coming down harder now...I can here lovers below pounding away...: ). Is that the sound of cats walking upstairs? I wish new neighbor would buy carpets!
Much earlier this evening I heard a party going on in some backyard garden off 7th Street...a woman laughing hysterically and loudly...like a character in an Opera set in BELLVUE Hospital. I called Andrew next door..."Can you hear that laughter?" I said--
"It's because you're getting old--so you feel a need to connect with overs (voice very gravelly and sinister sounding...).
"Bull----" I said "Somebody's is having an unbelievably, incredibly happy time and I just want to see what the hell she/they are laughing at! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING OLD!"
Andrew "Did I ever tell you about the time years ago..."
I cut him off and said "let's just make a deal to call each other every three days or so--to make sure we are still alive. So our cats won't starve." He agreed.
Before that some hairdresser on a hook-up site said "You must be constantly dating, out with men--hooking up-having fun--so popular..."
Little does he know what a normal life I lead (well--when it's slow...).
Ahhhh, the rain continues...the mix I believe is done bouncing...it was going for 54 minutes...now I hope it burns without flaws...they started outsourcing Maxell CDs outside of Japan so the quality is horrible--like Memorex and others...I spent 50 bucks buying a 100 PROFESSIONAL quality CDs (ones still made in Japan) so hopefully they won't skip.
Must to bed...antsy from slowness in work...like pulling teeth...same syndrome...talented as all shit but without knowing a star your bottom feeding, bottom feeding...talk about developing character--GEESH! I AM!
I threw out Dr. Higgins on Friday...he was one hour late and so damn arrogant...I just couldn't cope...no amount of money was worth it...I felt empowered being able to say "Yes--you need to leave". My self-respect. My integrity. He burbled and grumbled out loud down the flight of steps and out the door, expostulating negatives. Projecting them onto me for my being "uncooperative" with the ritual. Just because one is a doctor--it doesn't give one license to be act like a prick (especially--yes VERY LITTLE!).
It takes a real piece of work to mess up such a beautiful experience as a massage. I forgive him, but I will never forget. (Maybe I will--are those the experiences we take with us through the years? Maybe the sunshine can burn them away...
Ahhh...rain is really really dying out now...lovers must be asleep...something drug-like about these late night hours...sober though I am...time to burn the mix...then sleep...ENOUGH!
Monday, June 1, 2009
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