I should never
complain again
for I am truly
Blessed!
(But I know I will...the nature
of the
beast).
St.O
thank you
J. Sooooo hot today! (And you KNOW I have NEVER done
ANYTHING like that before : )>.!
Friday, July 31, 2009
It's about the Product--not the performance!
Hard for me to swallow THAT one! To be one personality in a reading and not several! For several = fun! This is where the business comes into the art I guess...
Will sign up for Voices.com this week I think...you can start auditioning immediately and you don't need a demo.
VO class was good tonight...I was a bit nervous (like in the cold reading "Festival" a month ago...maybe with time I will be able to be free of nerves...I feel like I want to "burst apart" and do a million voices! A million personalities...but here like ballet versus Jazz or even mime improv in dance--the trick is to smooth down, make it less and less I guess...hard to swallow! The class felt more constructive than the "Group therapy thing". And OK so I forgot and had fun with my own sound! HOW DARE I! HEY I HAD FUN (period)...Wendy said that already in a lesson..."they" will say--great performance but I won't get hired...hmmmm...must try that a bit more this weekend...more tests...Interesting though an actress Toby(?) was talking about how she "looses her place" when she "lets it go"...whereas I'm pretty good about keeping my place. Would that it was a repertory company and another actor could slap my face a bit and pull me in when I started to float free...
Boy I'm intense...wouldn't it be great to make money off of it...well...in a way I do with the massage...I wanted to look up Pancreatic cancer--I wonder what the causes are? Carcinogens? Genetics gone haywire? Tomorrow the deck...ahhh! Away away away from people!
I felt a small urge to call T. but that means putting out energy to "connect" and "share"...I was content to take a nap...I thought about calling R., last night was nice...I wonder if he thought about me? I wonder if he will want to continue now that he "got what he wanted"?
This is more like a soap opera that a Healing Arts Blog...sorry...if any one is reading this and gets disappointed, go watch Oprah or (barf) Dr. Phil(istine). I am a separatist in my life but I make honest attempts to "conjoin" within the crossroads of "Show Business"...
Instead of secret late night confessions I had a good meal, some wine and thoroughly enjoyed once again "Valley of the Dolls"--it's so freakishly camp (addiction, show business) its touching. So much more fun than THE REAL WORLD with it's non-stop boring action and then there's that ugly twinge of violence.
Two Hispanics called me a faggot today on the bike as they were taking their time strolling across a street on the Westside. Of course I yelled at them first...I would much rather have violent words exchanged instead of bouncing off a fat Latin and landing on my head.
It's truly amazing what slow reflexes women bikers have---they move as if they are riding in jello or retarded! And fat people...they must consciously be thinking that their blubber is a sort of suit of armor making them invulnerable to fast objects flying through space (such as my own 194 lb. body as a projectile going fast down a city street.
What a discipline "to not harm" when one LIVES IN HARM! The queer men were right in the group--YES I'm angry (sometimes) and yes I'm afraid (lots of the time--who wouldn't be biking in these streets everyday) BUT a part of of LOVE IT ALL!
HA HA!
Hmm...I do wonder if Brooke Shields had rehearsed Michael Jackson's Eulogy. Come to think of it, it IS more effective when someone does a eulogy if they do simply hold back the tears and not release. Was she crying on cue?
I'm SOOOOOO tired! It was a good day Steve Orr. You try hard...and now you can sleep good.
x
Will sign up for Voices.com this week I think...you can start auditioning immediately and you don't need a demo.
VO class was good tonight...I was a bit nervous (like in the cold reading "Festival" a month ago...maybe with time I will be able to be free of nerves...I feel like I want to "burst apart" and do a million voices! A million personalities...but here like ballet versus Jazz or even mime improv in dance--the trick is to smooth down, make it less and less I guess...hard to swallow! The class felt more constructive than the "Group therapy thing". And OK so I forgot and had fun with my own sound! HOW DARE I! HEY I HAD FUN (period)...Wendy said that already in a lesson..."they" will say--great performance but I won't get hired...hmmmm...must try that a bit more this weekend...more tests...Interesting though an actress Toby(?) was talking about how she "looses her place" when she "lets it go"...whereas I'm pretty good about keeping my place. Would that it was a repertory company and another actor could slap my face a bit and pull me in when I started to float free...
Boy I'm intense...wouldn't it be great to make money off of it...well...in a way I do with the massage...I wanted to look up Pancreatic cancer--I wonder what the causes are? Carcinogens? Genetics gone haywire? Tomorrow the deck...ahhh! Away away away from people!
I felt a small urge to call T. but that means putting out energy to "connect" and "share"...I was content to take a nap...I thought about calling R., last night was nice...I wonder if he thought about me? I wonder if he will want to continue now that he "got what he wanted"?
This is more like a soap opera that a Healing Arts Blog...sorry...if any one is reading this and gets disappointed, go watch Oprah or (barf) Dr. Phil(istine). I am a separatist in my life but I make honest attempts to "conjoin" within the crossroads of "Show Business"...
Instead of secret late night confessions I had a good meal, some wine and thoroughly enjoyed once again "Valley of the Dolls"--it's so freakishly camp (addiction, show business) its touching. So much more fun than THE REAL WORLD with it's non-stop boring action and then there's that ugly twinge of violence.
Two Hispanics called me a faggot today on the bike as they were taking their time strolling across a street on the Westside. Of course I yelled at them first...I would much rather have violent words exchanged instead of bouncing off a fat Latin and landing on my head.
It's truly amazing what slow reflexes women bikers have---they move as if they are riding in jello or retarded! And fat people...they must consciously be thinking that their blubber is a sort of suit of armor making them invulnerable to fast objects flying through space (such as my own 194 lb. body as a projectile going fast down a city street.
What a discipline "to not harm" when one LIVES IN HARM! The queer men were right in the group--YES I'm angry (sometimes) and yes I'm afraid (lots of the time--who wouldn't be biking in these streets everyday) BUT a part of of LOVE IT ALL!
HA HA!
Hmm...I do wonder if Brooke Shields had rehearsed Michael Jackson's Eulogy. Come to think of it, it IS more effective when someone does a eulogy if they do simply hold back the tears and not release. Was she crying on cue?
I'm SOOOOOO tired! It was a good day Steve Orr. You try hard...and now you can sleep good.
x
Monday, July 27, 2009
At Last!
I have begun sending out headshots!
An update on my massage site is way overdue...
Summer isn't so bad when I meditate 1/2 to 1 hour a day...it removes the edge...
takes me down a few notches...lots of ideas for comedy; seem to be at a loss to
execute them...it's all I can do to practice monologues, stay in shape, work, need more pictures...$1200 for the demo reel HEEEEELLLLPPPPP!
JUST BREATH!
New tagline for splash page
"Take it
One Breath at a time"
Last week of group therapy; I need to be around supportive people who are actively engaged in their careers and the VO group run by WD is more focused this way; plus we get to practice reading copy...the gay group at IHI is more focused on a day to day living, relationships, for me a chance to break the isolation and learn about about my process socially. I just feel that to be practicing VO's and talking about the business of VO's in and outs, agents, etc., and interacting with other people engaged in being in show business is something I need more...maybe it's because it just seems more fun than simply talking about Ground Zero "Why I am afraid, anxious or alone..."
It's something to do with feeling myself perform and loving that bliss...there's enough time to stress out, be sick and face death. Those things will always be there; it's the joy that's kind of sacred because it's that tiny candle that one must search for so diligently in this urban land of dark decay and human density. NYC the city that loves to say NO. Oh for an angel to say yes to me. Methinks I must be my own!
An update on my massage site is way overdue...
Summer isn't so bad when I meditate 1/2 to 1 hour a day...it removes the edge...
takes me down a few notches...lots of ideas for comedy; seem to be at a loss to
execute them...it's all I can do to practice monologues, stay in shape, work, need more pictures...$1200 for the demo reel HEEEEELLLLPPPPP!
JUST BREATH!
New tagline for splash page
"Take it
One Breath at a time"
Last week of group therapy; I need to be around supportive people who are actively engaged in their careers and the VO group run by WD is more focused this way; plus we get to practice reading copy...the gay group at IHI is more focused on a day to day living, relationships, for me a chance to break the isolation and learn about about my process socially. I just feel that to be practicing VO's and talking about the business of VO's in and outs, agents, etc., and interacting with other people engaged in being in show business is something I need more...maybe it's because it just seems more fun than simply talking about Ground Zero "Why I am afraid, anxious or alone..."
It's something to do with feeling myself perform and loving that bliss...there's enough time to stress out, be sick and face death. Those things will always be there; it's the joy that's kind of sacred because it's that tiny candle that one must search for so diligently in this urban land of dark decay and human density. NYC the city that loves to say NO. Oh for an angel to say yes to me. Methinks I must be my own!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Bliss/Rodents
Yesterday a fabulous meditation by the river...
sun, wind, breath, silver summer mellow...
Then home to change bikes
Some other-worldly screaming in the back
The super-next-door was pounding-exterminating
a small family of rats
in the garbage can.
The Mother's head bashed in
her body in death-shudders
the baby rat trying to run
up the sides
while Latin Hitler
Pounded and pounded
their heads in.
(Next door the drunken youth
are blah blah blahing
blah blah blahing
blah blah).
Spent some time today (Sat.) with A.
She is medicated after the Bellvue stay
and break-down,
Diagnosed as bi-polar
She's calmer now.
We will work on
some painting projects
tomorrow.
(Neighbors next door
drunker blah blah blahing
blah blah blahing.
Going on and on
What the hell do they
found so interesting
to talk about?)
T.V. is boring
heart hurting
Need to pedal
Work decent this week,
Forming new bonding
with 27 year old male
Seems very mature for his age
and works in a hospital
Nice to check-in with someone
who doesn't judge
God these drunks next door
Sound so moronic--
more blah blah blahing
blah blah blahing
I know I was an addict
in the 80's
but did I sound quite
so stupid?
Great meditation
on roof today
Had to keep
Pulling back
from the daydreaming,
fantasies, "sleep-thinking"
I'm free, alive, lucky
Tonight it's like
there's a sludge over
everything...ahhh
A bit of biking
then methinks to
read some Shakespeare...
Turn on the white noise
drown out the moronic
murmuring
Next step in the process--
Sending out pictures...
Blah such work! How do
I psyche myself to do it?
Baby steps, baby steps...
My hearts creaking
I need to pedal into
the night
and feel wind...
It's hell
listening
to morons
It's heaven
being able to
escape them!
xxx
sun, wind, breath, silver summer mellow...
Then home to change bikes
Some other-worldly screaming in the back
The super-next-door was pounding-exterminating
a small family of rats
in the garbage can.
The Mother's head bashed in
her body in death-shudders
the baby rat trying to run
up the sides
while Latin Hitler
Pounded and pounded
their heads in.
(Next door the drunken youth
are blah blah blahing
blah blah blahing
blah blah).
Spent some time today (Sat.) with A.
She is medicated after the Bellvue stay
and break-down,
Diagnosed as bi-polar
She's calmer now.
We will work on
some painting projects
tomorrow.
(Neighbors next door
drunker blah blah blahing
blah blah blahing.
Going on and on
What the hell do they
found so interesting
to talk about?)
T.V. is boring
heart hurting
Need to pedal
Work decent this week,
Forming new bonding
with 27 year old male
Seems very mature for his age
and works in a hospital
Nice to check-in with someone
who doesn't judge
God these drunks next door
Sound so moronic--
more blah blah blahing
blah blah blahing
I know I was an addict
in the 80's
but did I sound quite
so stupid?
Great meditation
on roof today
Had to keep
Pulling back
from the daydreaming,
fantasies, "sleep-thinking"
I'm free, alive, lucky
Tonight it's like
there's a sludge over
everything...ahhh
A bit of biking
then methinks to
read some Shakespeare...
Turn on the white noise
drown out the moronic
murmuring
Next step in the process--
Sending out pictures...
Blah such work! How do
I psyche myself to do it?
Baby steps, baby steps...
My hearts creaking
I need to pedal into
the night
and feel wind...
It's hell
listening
to morons
It's heaven
being able to
escape them!
xxx
Friday, July 17, 2009
Email to a Comrade-In-Hands
Hey Compatriot:
How's your week been?
I just finished a major singing class today--it was successful...more of "don't BE dramatic--just BE STEVEN..."
seems to be my acting-process "mantra" for the summer; began preliminary application production for MSW Hunter, fall entrance is closed so I have to go with Spring '10...oh well...I can budget and spend time planning Voice Over demo. My teacher says I'm ready...she played me a few...they sound SO professional...not cheap...$1200 plus tax to the recording studio 5-6 hours....
Yesterday I was meditating in St. Malachy's (the Actors' Chapel) I love that church...
and I walked by a little alter/alcove where was ensconced an effigy of St. Jude the Apostle (the Patron Saint of Lost Causes)...suddenly something made sense...if I as an actor, am a lost cause...let me be graceful about it...let me enjoy being lost!
Group Therapy a drama yesterday...2 members confessed that I frightened them; two more said "You are very angry..." (one of the two I had HAD...yes I wanted to say..."Gee Mr. X--my anger didn't seem to bother you in the least when we -----..."
Hmm...why do I always think of these brilliant responses 2-3 hours after the moment?
How's it going with your sister? I wonder if you will get this?
Miss talking to you...are you "crazy" down there? I thought you were just relaxing...how's the dynamic between you two?
Ahhh...another grey bloated (with a wanna-be-rainy feeling) Friday...
I'm very grateful to be healthy!
Only one client all week...sucks....but it's somehow OK. I occasionally catch glimpses (how ever hard on myself) of being "cool" with being me...it's bizarre to look in the mirror and see what a kind of "stain" living here so long and doing what I do has left on me...but then the stain and the soul...aren't they the same?
It's ironic to feel that I have lots of joy and longing to celebrate and share with others but that "NYC Stuffy-Wall" is alive and well now and I am basically alone and in a strange way somewhat at war with how I create income and time (for it's "gift of aging").
I feel the peace inside when I accept it all. But trauma...does the anger ever end?...I don't think so...unless one moves away from the cesspool of what continually causes it...hence my pursuits of acting and the MSW....to transform the prison of the happy/sad/free and constrained massage work world into something less physical and more social(?) or am I simply a unique bird? Destined to do a million things? It's easy to say f_____ you all when most people laugh at you or run away in fear or are simply indifferent and have no time (as 99% of NYC is)....but I tend to forget in all this...this urbanized character I appear to be is not the true essence of me...it's how the city changes ME how the neurosis of living here changes me....and I strive continually to forgive myself for living this way. It just changes you, from living in one of the hardest biggest, meanest and fastest cities in the Western World...to forgive and accept that's all one can do if one continually chooses to live here. Otherwise get fed up one day and move to the ocean (smile).
Of course what a challenge to FORGIVE No Show Clients...but they need compassion--just as much as the cancer patients...
Forgiveness of self for our shorcomings, forgiveness for the craving to be touched, loved, understoon--forgiveness for the longing that never ends--for those that hurt you...these are things made of grace...
NOW AT LAST TO THE GYM TO STRETCH AND BOOGIE AND DREAM DANCE!
12:23 AM SAT.
BEING THE best...
St.Orr
How's your week been?
I just finished a major singing class today--it was successful...more of "don't BE dramatic--just BE STEVEN..."
seems to be my acting-process "mantra" for the summer; began preliminary application production for MSW Hunter, fall entrance is closed so I have to go with Spring '10...oh well...I can budget and spend time planning Voice Over demo. My teacher says I'm ready...she played me a few...they sound SO professional...not cheap...$1200 plus tax to the recording studio 5-6 hours....
Yesterday I was meditating in St. Malachy's (the Actors' Chapel) I love that church...
and I walked by a little alter/alcove where was ensconced an effigy of St. Jude the Apostle (the Patron Saint of Lost Causes)...suddenly something made sense...if I as an actor, am a lost cause...let me be graceful about it...let me enjoy being lost!
Group Therapy a drama yesterday...2 members confessed that I frightened them; two more said "You are very angry..." (one of the two I had HAD...yes I wanted to say..."Gee Mr. X--my anger didn't seem to bother you in the least when we -----..."
Hmm...why do I always think of these brilliant responses 2-3 hours after the moment?
How's it going with your sister? I wonder if you will get this?
Miss talking to you...are you "crazy" down there? I thought you were just relaxing...how's the dynamic between you two?
Ahhh...another grey bloated (with a wanna-be-rainy feeling) Friday...
I'm very grateful to be healthy!
Only one client all week...sucks....but it's somehow OK. I occasionally catch glimpses (how ever hard on myself) of being "cool" with being me...it's bizarre to look in the mirror and see what a kind of "stain" living here so long and doing what I do has left on me...but then the stain and the soul...aren't they the same?
It's ironic to feel that I have lots of joy and longing to celebrate and share with others but that "NYC Stuffy-Wall" is alive and well now and I am basically alone and in a strange way somewhat at war with how I create income and time (for it's "gift of aging").
I feel the peace inside when I accept it all. But trauma...does the anger ever end?...I don't think so...unless one moves away from the cesspool of what continually causes it...hence my pursuits of acting and the MSW....to transform the prison of the happy/sad/free and constrained massage work world into something less physical and more social(?) or am I simply a unique bird? Destined to do a million things? It's easy to say f_____ you all when most people laugh at you or run away in fear or are simply indifferent and have no time (as 99% of NYC is)....but I tend to forget in all this...this urbanized character I appear to be is not the true essence of me...it's how the city changes ME how the neurosis of living here changes me....and I strive continually to forgive myself for living this way. It just changes you, from living in one of the hardest biggest, meanest and fastest cities in the Western World...to forgive and accept that's all one can do if one continually chooses to live here. Otherwise get fed up one day and move to the ocean (smile).
Of course what a challenge to FORGIVE No Show Clients...but they need compassion--just as much as the cancer patients...
Forgiveness of self for our shorcomings, forgiveness for the craving to be touched, loved, understoon--forgiveness for the longing that never ends--for those that hurt you...these are things made of grace...
NOW AT LAST TO THE GYM TO STRETCH AND BOOGIE AND DREAM DANCE!
12:23 AM SAT.
BEING THE best...
St.Orr
Group Freakery-Oper Heart Perjury
In the Group therapy tonight, two men confessed they were afraid of me. Is this from living in the East Village for 30 years? And all the trauma I've experienced? I wish people laughed more in the group--I wish they weren't so afraid of me! I laugh at myself...but most of them look at me strangely and sadly, with pity or fear...
How does that make you feel--people saying they're afraid of you? the Group leader asked...I'm used to it, I said and I'm not responsible for their feelings. Also I said I get this often in the world and when I do I just ignore it. I wanted to say you try walking down Avenue A with love in your heart...It must be all the years of the tough stuff I've been through. Often women assume I'm a wife-beater type (who knows why) or just plain "scary"; when I find the majority of women talking on mobile phones to be as annoying as flat tires, drunken pedestrians, death and taxes. But this is New York. Nice doesn't exist. Gay community? Naaa--only sex there...sad. What ever happened to fun? To friends? Perhaps I am channeling my fun into reading Shakespeare and solitary workouts. I have been very lazy this week...these performing classes really take their toll on my exercise obsession!
Working at the cancer hospital I feel I have a purpose, to relieve suffering.
I feel a strong need to have my brain fed by lots of trees...God this urban suffering!
Today I got a text message "Are you a male massage therapist?" I called the number back and left this message No, I'm a female...the creepy crawly summer massage worms are definitely crawling out from under their rocks. The insincerity of men is unbelievable, yet I do believe it!
Good news on the Voice Over pursuits-you are ready to make your demo my teacher said. Now I just need to come up with $1200 dollars! Piece of cake! Then comes the biggest challenge-to begin to send it out...show business is about fun (performing, showing off, using imagination) AND unfortunately about the sheer drudgery of sending out pictures and postcards...10 on Monday? Maybe...in Excel. Fun and factory, fun and factory--like yin and yang, one without the other creates imbalance.
A third man in the group said he thought I was angry. Two hours later I'm thinking I SHOULD have said well...my anger obviously didn't turn you off when we had sex! Har har. I wonder if he even identifies me as a former partner? I must call up Group leader about this but he seems so lacking in worldly knowledge.
Yes I feel intense anxiety and fear on the street; the stress of overpopulation and the effluvia of ignorance, bad taste and macro and micro violence. Do people "heal" each other in the artificial group experience? Life definitely is suffering...solution seems to be to meditate even more...there is no release for anger, if one dwells long enough on past injustices and how we think life should have gone, the anger is just a black hole. Screaming, ranting and raving until the cows come home merely adds to the stress. What is one to do? CRY? Sadness and anger can eat you alive. Meditation is truly better...to feng shui the mind with breath.
I have come to say hate those mambe pambees with their "I sense you're angry". Get over it I long to say.
You're so intense--was another comment.
I truly believe it is an impossibility for me at this point to have any kind of an open heart after working in massage for 18 years unless I am off premises and working in the hospital.
Or unless I am a candidate for open heart surgery.
x
How does that make you feel--people saying they're afraid of you? the Group leader asked...I'm used to it, I said and I'm not responsible for their feelings. Also I said I get this often in the world and when I do I just ignore it. I wanted to say you try walking down Avenue A with love in your heart...It must be all the years of the tough stuff I've been through. Often women assume I'm a wife-beater type (who knows why) or just plain "scary"; when I find the majority of women talking on mobile phones to be as annoying as flat tires, drunken pedestrians, death and taxes. But this is New York. Nice doesn't exist. Gay community? Naaa--only sex there...sad. What ever happened to fun? To friends? Perhaps I am channeling my fun into reading Shakespeare and solitary workouts. I have been very lazy this week...these performing classes really take their toll on my exercise obsession!
Working at the cancer hospital I feel I have a purpose, to relieve suffering.
I feel a strong need to have my brain fed by lots of trees...God this urban suffering!
Today I got a text message "Are you a male massage therapist?" I called the number back and left this message No, I'm a female...the creepy crawly summer massage worms are definitely crawling out from under their rocks. The insincerity of men is unbelievable, yet I do believe it!
Good news on the Voice Over pursuits-you are ready to make your demo my teacher said. Now I just need to come up with $1200 dollars! Piece of cake! Then comes the biggest challenge-to begin to send it out...show business is about fun (performing, showing off, using imagination) AND unfortunately about the sheer drudgery of sending out pictures and postcards...10 on Monday? Maybe...in Excel. Fun and factory, fun and factory--like yin and yang, one without the other creates imbalance.
A third man in the group said he thought I was angry. Two hours later I'm thinking I SHOULD have said well...my anger obviously didn't turn you off when we had sex! Har har. I wonder if he even identifies me as a former partner? I must call up Group leader about this but he seems so lacking in worldly knowledge.
Yes I feel intense anxiety and fear on the street; the stress of overpopulation and the effluvia of ignorance, bad taste and macro and micro violence. Do people "heal" each other in the artificial group experience? Life definitely is suffering...solution seems to be to meditate even more...there is no release for anger, if one dwells long enough on past injustices and how we think life should have gone, the anger is just a black hole. Screaming, ranting and raving until the cows come home merely adds to the stress. What is one to do? CRY? Sadness and anger can eat you alive. Meditation is truly better...to feng shui the mind with breath.
I have come to say hate those mambe pambees with their "I sense you're angry". Get over it I long to say.
You're so intense--was another comment.
I truly believe it is an impossibility for me at this point to have any kind of an open heart after working in massage for 18 years unless I am off premises and working in the hospital.
Or unless I am a candidate for open heart surgery.
x
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
WAVS OF SUMMER
Depressed over July 4th weekend; mood lifting suddenly come following Monday. Very busy week workwise last week, then of course 1 client all week this week!
Meditation daily making me be friends with myself and much less reactive with people.
The weather is gorgeous now but to be walking around on these streets--just way too many people! Summer is for woods and renewing the mind by the ocean. Perhaps can get to Jones Beach this weekend...Buddha obviously created his religion with the poor in mind. What a great free lifting up is meditation.
A new love of Shakespeare is helping me to cope too, as is added energy building and self-skill and talent work-out rehearsing Voice Overs. I'm sending out one picture a day to let people in "the business" know I'm here...can't hurt.
The weird dichotomny of art (in Show Business) the tension of performing in auditions is stealing away the joy...yet I love being an exhibitionist and feeling the sexiness of acting (without all the fleshy stuff). However I definitely don't want to have to be depending upon massage for an income five years from now--so I am looking into getting my MSW at Hunter. Hmmm...it seems to make more sense than teaching--
I don't think I have the heartlessness to be able to stay "pursuing" show business. However I love role-playing. Yesterday on the deck all afternoon sunning then ending with wonderful workout, doing "Dagger" monologue from MacBeth, practicing 16 bars from AMSTERDAM and PILATES DREAM for K. Vaughn's class; working on new monologue from Troilus and Cressida. Some stranger C--- out a window..."--that insane man". Thank GOD for insanity!
Ran into dear friend whom I taught the kids with at Middle Church...she related to me how Jacqui the black female minister (such a bubbly happy fake--why is it all churches conceal so many layers of hypocrisy?) accused her of some unfounded claims of child molestation! "Charges" were eventually dropped--then "life" went on without even apology--as if nothing at all had happened. This the church that talks so highly of brotherly love and humanity, racial harmony, etc. etc. etc. Underneath the thick thick frosting, methinks the cake is dried and rotten!
It's a paradox how fun acting is; listening to J. Weatherall's lectures are amazing. But the "slam dunk" of cold reading before casting agents is anything but fun. Real anticlimax to savoring the poetry of "the Bard". How the hell do you "be yourself" without all that mucky muck fear?
Isolation continues. Flakey calls from clients. Must I call for a period of "shielding" from pernicious influences in Astrological terms or something?
Walked through Union Square Park today...so many vendors I had to jump through the Ghandi garden to get to STAPLES; and walking back virtually swimming through a sea of fleshy bodies sitting in the grass, walking...humanity so thick...my brain simply focusing on getting through, getting by obstacles. So much nervous tension from people like rats in a crowded cage...Ugh! Not a pleasant feeling, more a feeling of overpopulation, stress...then beautiful meditation on deck where I'm alone and de-toxing from people!! Yes, from people. Such a challenge to recognize thoughts, fantasies and daydreams as such and to "feng shui" them and return to the breath...
I feel numb, is maturity? 55? I feel very very slow and it feels very very good to be so.
Sleep come take me home.
Meditation daily making me be friends with myself and much less reactive with people.
The weather is gorgeous now but to be walking around on these streets--just way too many people! Summer is for woods and renewing the mind by the ocean. Perhaps can get to Jones Beach this weekend...Buddha obviously created his religion with the poor in mind. What a great free lifting up is meditation.
A new love of Shakespeare is helping me to cope too, as is added energy building and self-skill and talent work-out rehearsing Voice Overs. I'm sending out one picture a day to let people in "the business" know I'm here...can't hurt.
The weird dichotomny of art (in Show Business) the tension of performing in auditions is stealing away the joy...yet I love being an exhibitionist and feeling the sexiness of acting (without all the fleshy stuff). However I definitely don't want to have to be depending upon massage for an income five years from now--so I am looking into getting my MSW at Hunter. Hmmm...it seems to make more sense than teaching--
I don't think I have the heartlessness to be able to stay "pursuing" show business. However I love role-playing. Yesterday on the deck all afternoon sunning then ending with wonderful workout, doing "Dagger" monologue from MacBeth, practicing 16 bars from AMSTERDAM and PILATES DREAM for K. Vaughn's class; working on new monologue from Troilus and Cressida. Some stranger C--- out a window..."--that insane man". Thank GOD for insanity!
Ran into dear friend whom I taught the kids with at Middle Church...she related to me how Jacqui the black female minister (such a bubbly happy fake--why is it all churches conceal so many layers of hypocrisy?) accused her of some unfounded claims of child molestation! "Charges" were eventually dropped--then "life" went on without even apology--as if nothing at all had happened. This the church that talks so highly of brotherly love and humanity, racial harmony, etc. etc. etc. Underneath the thick thick frosting, methinks the cake is dried and rotten!
It's a paradox how fun acting is; listening to J. Weatherall's lectures are amazing. But the "slam dunk" of cold reading before casting agents is anything but fun. Real anticlimax to savoring the poetry of "the Bard". How the hell do you "be yourself" without all that mucky muck fear?
Isolation continues. Flakey calls from clients. Must I call for a period of "shielding" from pernicious influences in Astrological terms or something?
Walked through Union Square Park today...so many vendors I had to jump through the Ghandi garden to get to STAPLES; and walking back virtually swimming through a sea of fleshy bodies sitting in the grass, walking...humanity so thick...my brain simply focusing on getting through, getting by obstacles. So much nervous tension from people like rats in a crowded cage...Ugh! Not a pleasant feeling, more a feeling of overpopulation, stress...then beautiful meditation on deck where I'm alone and de-toxing from people!! Yes, from people. Such a challenge to recognize thoughts, fantasies and daydreams as such and to "feng shui" them and return to the breath...
I feel numb, is maturity? 55? I feel very very slow and it feels very very good to be so.
Sleep come take me home.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Meditation as a Prophylaxis against Micro-Violence
The foul odor of summer in New York hangs over my head like a curse. However the B'way musical workshop with Kim. Kaufman at Actors Connection, along with V.O. coaching with Wendy Dillon and a treasured run of repeat clients (and a few new ones) is softening the blow...thank you also Jerry Scott for your joyous musical therapy!
The pursuit of show business seems to have become the only reason I'm here right now!
Most of all--I would like to thank my roof deck for making my life manageable!
I am dealing with the isolation issue by attending Group Therapy and also a "Heart of Recovery" meeting which combines both 12-Step and Buddhist wisdom in a meditation based meeting format. Very gentle. Perhaps more meetings are called for--one tonight after the performing "process" workshop would have been very helpful! A place to process THE PROCESS : ).
Made peace with the R.O. in Buffalo. We are focusing on being friends, simply. Yes very healthy--kind of sad though as I would have loved a little romance. But ahhh, that first hit and the next breath--you loose your personality...NOT!
Today after the singing class---which was like 3 plus hours long I found myself antsy and anxious to leave. I want to perfect my acting and singing skills in a very short time--and what better place than Actors Connection? Plus you are in touch with people who are actually working in the business. But need it be so damn serious???? PLUS I am reminded "Show Business" is a business. Yeah I know but damn you gotta be able to laugh!
It was lovely to see gorgeous Brooke Shields on the web pay tribute to Michael Jackson! I had no idea they were friends. As usual her beauty was only matched by her grace and articulate poise. I was blessed to have her read a scene with me in Stephanie Venditto's class, more than a month ago. What a trip.
The constant pain which I feel is alleviated by meditation. This must be some sort of mid-life crisis! There is nothing physically wrong...only the silence of the walls inside and outside it feels like a war zone. Thank God for the client connection and the music connection!
It's an awful lot of work undergoing the "process" of stretching myself as a performer. I don't feel cheerful and happy about it necessarily; it's heartbreaking to try to capture the freedom of "the private moment" and call upon it when performing. (Some of us get stiff with our emotions as we age--I personally believe urban life creates a build-up...But the caliber of the teachers and the Casting Directors--well suffice it to say for all the complaining I do about the difficulty of living and (not) loving here in NYC--there is a superior level of teachers, talent and coaching here. Now as to whether I can make any money in Show Business. THAT's the question. Money can't be spent indefinitely in the pursuit of a dream...when will I know. I must trust that there is a plan and meeting. I have survived this long--why?
Friend Debbie was so funny with her comment--"you just haven't massaged the right person yet!" HA...could be but I don't think that's it...if opportunities come they will in their own time...things can't be rushed.
It was so delicious today to be up in front of the class and to feel myself taking MY time, mindfully. Not feeling the nerves castrate me like a hysterical chicken! When I feel my presence and space and refuse to "be a girl" with the rest of the giddy girl-club goings on, THEN I'm a man and then I feel my power.
It's bizarre how over-bearing female energy can make me feel diminished, emasculated. The same as being around hetero-sexual "Jock" types. They are both part of a cold and lonely world which I don't relate to.
But last night I was watching some big coach on the TV at CRUNCH and I realized that that type of man was/is the kind of roles I may be considered for. I would prefer playing Pontius Pilates, but being an actor--I should be available for the "Sports Pundit" role...
I wonder why women fear me so? Well...not all of them. I'm in "the process" to improve my performing skills. That's where my focus is. It's amazing how some women can keep the "nice"-thing going as if they were borrowing a cup of sugar from a neighbor...but I find when I try to join in to that camaraderie I end up feeling diminished and forget what it was I was trying to focus on!
It's all a stretch...to try to get better...then comes the complete and ultimate subjectivity!
One must be part exhibitionist to want to perform...the trick is to be able to feel the joy and the power and still be generous, listen, follow the score, the choreography, etc. What did Stephanie say--"You can't control the release...you can only beckon it and welcome it when it comes via it's own power--"
But isn't that what technique is? Using that brilliant doorway of the imagination harnessed by focus and self-control. That's skill. If I can only stay out of my way! I just get so joyful! It's such a turn-on! I forget it's a business. But THIS must be as strong an innate sense as my joy! Paradox apparent!
Thought I smelled autumn in the air today...hows t' possible? Only July 8! But there were signs of dead leaves in a few places around (most likely the pollution).
Goodnight and I love you
Best
Me
The pursuit of show business seems to have become the only reason I'm here right now!
Most of all--I would like to thank my roof deck for making my life manageable!
I am dealing with the isolation issue by attending Group Therapy and also a "Heart of Recovery" meeting which combines both 12-Step and Buddhist wisdom in a meditation based meeting format. Very gentle. Perhaps more meetings are called for--one tonight after the performing "process" workshop would have been very helpful! A place to process THE PROCESS : ).
Made peace with the R.O. in Buffalo. We are focusing on being friends, simply. Yes very healthy--kind of sad though as I would have loved a little romance. But ahhh, that first hit and the next breath--you loose your personality...NOT!
Today after the singing class---which was like 3 plus hours long I found myself antsy and anxious to leave. I want to perfect my acting and singing skills in a very short time--and what better place than Actors Connection? Plus you are in touch with people who are actually working in the business. But need it be so damn serious???? PLUS I am reminded "Show Business" is a business. Yeah I know but damn you gotta be able to laugh!
It was lovely to see gorgeous Brooke Shields on the web pay tribute to Michael Jackson! I had no idea they were friends. As usual her beauty was only matched by her grace and articulate poise. I was blessed to have her read a scene with me in Stephanie Venditto's class, more than a month ago. What a trip.
The constant pain which I feel is alleviated by meditation. This must be some sort of mid-life crisis! There is nothing physically wrong...only the silence of the walls inside and outside it feels like a war zone. Thank God for the client connection and the music connection!
It's an awful lot of work undergoing the "process" of stretching myself as a performer. I don't feel cheerful and happy about it necessarily; it's heartbreaking to try to capture the freedom of "the private moment" and call upon it when performing. (Some of us get stiff with our emotions as we age--I personally believe urban life creates a build-up...But the caliber of the teachers and the Casting Directors--well suffice it to say for all the complaining I do about the difficulty of living and (not) loving here in NYC--there is a superior level of teachers, talent and coaching here. Now as to whether I can make any money in Show Business. THAT's the question. Money can't be spent indefinitely in the pursuit of a dream...when will I know. I must trust that there is a plan and meeting. I have survived this long--why?
Friend Debbie was so funny with her comment--"you just haven't massaged the right person yet!" HA...could be but I don't think that's it...if opportunities come they will in their own time...things can't be rushed.
It was so delicious today to be up in front of the class and to feel myself taking MY time, mindfully. Not feeling the nerves castrate me like a hysterical chicken! When I feel my presence and space and refuse to "be a girl" with the rest of the giddy girl-club goings on, THEN I'm a man and then I feel my power.
It's bizarre how over-bearing female energy can make me feel diminished, emasculated. The same as being around hetero-sexual "Jock" types. They are both part of a cold and lonely world which I don't relate to.
But last night I was watching some big coach on the TV at CRUNCH and I realized that that type of man was/is the kind of roles I may be considered for. I would prefer playing Pontius Pilates, but being an actor--I should be available for the "Sports Pundit" role...
I wonder why women fear me so? Well...not all of them. I'm in "the process" to improve my performing skills. That's where my focus is. It's amazing how some women can keep the "nice"-thing going as if they were borrowing a cup of sugar from a neighbor...but I find when I try to join in to that camaraderie I end up feeling diminished and forget what it was I was trying to focus on!
It's all a stretch...to try to get better...then comes the complete and ultimate subjectivity!
One must be part exhibitionist to want to perform...the trick is to be able to feel the joy and the power and still be generous, listen, follow the score, the choreography, etc. What did Stephanie say--"You can't control the release...you can only beckon it and welcome it when it comes via it's own power--"
But isn't that what technique is? Using that brilliant doorway of the imagination harnessed by focus and self-control. That's skill. If I can only stay out of my way! I just get so joyful! It's such a turn-on! I forget it's a business. But THIS must be as strong an innate sense as my joy! Paradox apparent!
Thought I smelled autumn in the air today...hows t' possible? Only July 8! But there were signs of dead leaves in a few places around (most likely the pollution).
Goodnight and I love you
Best
Me
Friday, July 3, 2009
Now for Group Therapy--Ahhhh Summer in the City!
Now I am trying out Group Therapy as a way to "connect" with other men. I have little hope that it will change the state of my life...which is isolated to say the least.
I have one friend who lives in ALB. N.M., and many acquaintances. This is not said out of anger, misery or frustration. It is a simple fact.
The past few days I became obsessed very fast with another masseur who lives in Buffalo. The few nights when we talked on the phone the it was so soothing--addictively so. I found myself saying romantic things by the third day--becoming almost drunk on him! I have never even MET this person--obviously the experience was quickly moving into the realm of R.O. (romantic obsession). The man either because of his youth or lack of experience didn't seem to comprehend the meaning of this phrase. He asked me what it meant twice. (Perhaps because during one of the Internet "chats" at his day job he was "multitasking" which I find to basically be an excuse for "not being fully present with any one thing"). I think I shared this with him. At that point he told me to "lighten up".
My next question concerned a financial inquiry. He suddenly had very strong boundaries and said "I only share that with my accountant"--(and hinting that later on he may choose to share such information with me...). How gracious of him! At this point I abruptly ended the chat and said I needed to sort the laundry and be productive as it occurred to me that he was sitting in his office being paid to "multitask" (chatting with me being one of the tasks) and I was jealous that he was making money and I wasn't -- so I needed to get busy and do something productive as I wasn't on any one's "meter". This was our last chat yesterday. I don't think there will be another. What first appeared healthy was turning into something dark...
Geographical relationships never work--I've learned from vast experience (when I used to actually date people--God can I even remember what that was like?).
I sincerely wish this boy the best (34 years old) obviously way too young and am glad that we shared our experiences...however because I find that I am going R.O. about him, it's truly better that we stop contact. I hope he reads this...he probably won't. Very few people do.
A pity--when two men can honestly come clean with each other and confess their honest feelings about the awful frustration that comes from experiencing how queer men lie and use and manipulate each other...truly a pity he lives in another city. We could have been friends. I never meet people like that here...which is pretty damn strange if you think of how many people there are. But most of us here are too busy keeping people out of our faces and moving around the obstacles they create so that we can get things done. Things which in the larger scheme of things-I'm wondering if anything is important actually...does anything have any real meaning today. In NYC everything seems more and more to be reduced to a series of transactions. Is that basically all that life is?!
I have the talent but it takes fate to make a career in show business. Fate has never been kind to me...but she did give me a nice body and a great talent for music and comedy. Without someone to appreciate these gifts--they go rotting and wasted. Without being able to translate these things into the professional life of being an actor--" It's as if you were given something weird, a deformity. How could I ever see my musical gifts like that? My ability to mime, to act...Doubly strange when I reflect on this weird outmoded idea of "being a professional" how, when I actually became a paid musician on a cruise ship--it made me utterly detest playing cocktail music--a very dangerous thing for such a musical and sensitive soul such as myself!
I must say the group isn't a good thing if it creates suicidal thoughts! One fellow shared tonight that when he first joined the group two years ago--he was healthy. The following two years saw him going through a multitude of health problems. On reflection afterward I thought of saying to him--"Perhaps this Group Therapy Thing is MAKING YOU SICK!" (However I didn't want to appear the Devil's Advocate).
Ha ha! I wonder if he would have laughed. I doubt it--he works for the State. They tend to be pretty humorless.
Perhaps my R.O. will come to the city and we will have a massage exchange...that would be nice. It is a nice way to experience the healing and sensuality man to man. I have no expectations with anyone about anything (except for the need to avoid mercenaries).
The closeness of our conversations and my all too quickly moving into that awful place of grasping and craving...Oh God--how sweet it would have been to fall in love...I do recall the highs...was it the 70's, the 80's-- and a few desperate attempts in the 90's leading up the traumas, bashing, 9-11. Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah---everyone suffers--some more than others--some less...this young man's therapist's advice was "you don't have to process everything". How shallow...What does an old woman know about being queer? Not much. What good is going to a therapist if you don't tell them the truth? Not much. He was telling me things he resisted telling her! Because he said she would disapprove of some of his actions...but isn't human growth based on conflict and resolution--not lulling each other to sleep with nice platitudes and bullshit! Whatever...
What difference does it make? There is so damn much rotten therapy out there anyway.
Anyway the conversations with my "peer" were really good, however I would prefer being alone every day and every night. That way one cannot miss the experience of love or R.O. or attachment. The pain of living without such things is less acute than the clinging neediness and emotional involvement of a working to have a significant other in one's life!
Also it's quite good that I snip this in the bud now. It might be dangerous to get a taste of something...I might like it too much. After all most people DO have significant others. Besides, I go back to my original thought...who the hell is this guy? He's some stranger I met through a hook up site!!!!!!
I remember when I used to have "best friends". So wonderful really. No more.
I do, however ponder if this emotional disinvolvemnt from others affects my acting? My ability to earn? Obviously my ability to connect with others. I find joy and peace on the roof deck. I really don't like to walk in the streets on a lovey day--the streets are tense and noisy and pretty awful. Everyone is severely barricaded now. There are so many walls and so much armor. No wonder I have chest pains when I'm around people alot and walking instead of biking! I wonder when it changed so for me?
It was a slow logical progression Steven...and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it but go to your recovery meetings and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME (or one massage appointment at a time or one audition or acting class at a time!)...
It would be nice to say "the world is what you make it" but I lost that belief a long time ago. I feel like a warrior with shell shock. Vipers are everywhere. I'm not imagining this, they are.
Do I even still love the city? Where does it come from I wonder? The isolation--my disinclination to "be social"? Today a man turned to me in the Group and said "Why are you like this?"
I threw out a few phrases...the typical cliches, but finally I said--"I really don't know--and after a while you just accept that it is--you stop feeling the pain of being without friends", stop trying to make them and just start digging being alone." And there really aren't any opportunities to make friends. Or if one presents itself--why I wonder does it turn ugly or clingy or weird with expectations and mucky muck? Perhaps Buddhist meetings...that's a possibility. Certainly not the Internet with it's hypnotizing malaise only exacerbating the isolation...making you think you're connecting when your just staring into glass and metal...and robots...
I truly think it's the toxicity of New York. Another man in the group said he "thought I was afraid".
Ummm, I've been "processing that" and I can honestly say--"Yes I guess I'm afraid; of loud noises and cunty comments from the female trainers at CRUNCH--the ignorance and the arrogance and the heartlessness of Manhattan--but not really afraid of this stuff--more like always wearing armor as a protection against it. One must. The city's deadly for the open heart chakra...simply deadly...I must share this at next Buddha 12 step meeting; There at least one can get a breath of what an open heart must feel like. Here, living in the East Village of NYC for some 30 years. No way Jose.
No-it's not fear--if it was I would have left along time ago. But I do know how absolutely hideous people can be. Perhaps that's why I actually prefer my own company. The man who accused me of fear also said "Your prostate's probably enlarged" after I shared something about having high PSA numbers last week. He's somehow not "with it" or "in touch" that he would say the obvious and make such a bad analysis of my "problem". It drives me a bit mad when people tell you things that are just plain wrong or that you know already. I guess that's why I'm in this group. You can only go so far with people in an acting class. It's great for acting skills. But we are trying to be artificial THERE. Here I think I'm in group because my "Fear" is that I'm somehow lacking in some way. Like I'm diseased...yes...maybe I'm--what did (well I just remembered I do have two friends--my lawyer being the second one!) Alan say "You're saturated". Astute comment that. One doesn't mean to become socially isolated out of fear. It's being sick of people and disappointed time and time again that causes one to love animals and trees, worship the sun, cry when one is working on people (but only when they are in a position where they cannot see the tears or feel them running down--I am so good at hiding tears...
Still I do find it valuable to help relieve people of their suffering...so there must be a part of me that does indeed love humanity; isn't totally fed up--a very tiny bird is still singing in my heart. Something of hope...absurd though that sounds. After all I've been through all these years. No wonder I found people in the Netherlands so damned tough! Those people had been through two world wars!
Strange that I used to make friends so easily and have so much fun. Is this part of the aging process? Millions would say yes. The slow move into the deadly trap of isolation --deadly if you are single. But I rejoice in not being attached, with children...All THAT muck! This is the price I pay for absolutely being responsible only to myself. There is no one to help me up the stairs. Fuck it--I'll buy myself a walker.
I am truly amazed at how much I shared with the Buffalo masseur about the difficulty of living here. The pain inherent in everything from making money to meeting new people--Gosh...I wonder if I really should consider living in N.Y. yet another unhealthy addiction? But I would so miss the characters and the energy and that lovely "zing" that can only be found in NYC!
Perhaps I should simply EMBRACE being NEUROTIC!!!!!
There's a level of quality here in this city culture--that still shines albeit the noise stress, ignorance and arrogance can work you nerves trying to uncover it! Trying to touch it or learn it or experience it...is not unlike finding hen's teeth!
In Tucson, there's no "zing" but the sun can feel nicely gold on your skin driving in a hypnotic trance in that dense traffic...but all all the sameness in people-- and that awful lack of culture...the sleepy ignorance of the sameness...the suburban blitz...
Is my isolation merely the result of an addictive lifestyle? Narcissism? Intolerance for people who snort and smell funny (I attempted to nurture a friendship with a black Chelsea Gay man this year but eventually his bad habits curdled the urge--I think he wanted a sexual involvement but I wanted to keep it platonic). He seemed to be such a wimp too. What attracted me to him? The chance of a friendship. We reached a mutual impasse...the communication stopped. I wish Ken well...
How can one be a friend with someone in a city hundreds of miles away? Not really possible...just as it's not possible to be pals with that middle-aged female Record Executive who works at Time Warner--no matter HOW seductive fun and bisexual (so she said) she appeared to be. The only way I could have nurtured that bond would have been to have had sex with her and I didn't want that. I simply wanted to be her friend. But she was totally unavailable. Her seduction was making me feel so close to her so fast. Or was that me-projecting something onto her (a friendship with a stranger--how unlikely--I guess that's why people operate in groups, for safety's sake). Perhaps I thought we were characters in a Seinfeld episode--and it was cool! But she was unable to meet my needs. **** that! No returned calls after "God you are so muscular and talented and funny and blah blah blah blah..." She pulled away after only our second meeting. I felt very used. Is this some weird script I myself am acting out with everyone I meet? I'm so tired of being used. Damn! Clearly she was not available and I was. Clearly. But how does one know enough to let down the walls with the one who MAY be available?????? Ay--THERE'S THE RUB!
One story out of 9 million in the naked city. Happy Fourth of July Steve! Thanks Steve--I love you! Keep the faith--somehow. Listen for the birds!
I prefer the peace of meditation to all this soap opera. I've had my starring roles in the corner bar. Now I could definitely use some tree therapy.
Fourth of July.
I'll give the group another 3 weeks.
It is of no consequence. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe this is all heart work...perhaps all a dream...
I have one friend who lives in ALB. N.M., and many acquaintances. This is not said out of anger, misery or frustration. It is a simple fact.
The past few days I became obsessed very fast with another masseur who lives in Buffalo. The few nights when we talked on the phone the it was so soothing--addictively so. I found myself saying romantic things by the third day--becoming almost drunk on him! I have never even MET this person--obviously the experience was quickly moving into the realm of R.O. (romantic obsession). The man either because of his youth or lack of experience didn't seem to comprehend the meaning of this phrase. He asked me what it meant twice. (Perhaps because during one of the Internet "chats" at his day job he was "multitasking" which I find to basically be an excuse for "not being fully present with any one thing"). I think I shared this with him. At that point he told me to "lighten up".
My next question concerned a financial inquiry. He suddenly had very strong boundaries and said "I only share that with my accountant"--(and hinting that later on he may choose to share such information with me...). How gracious of him! At this point I abruptly ended the chat and said I needed to sort the laundry and be productive as it occurred to me that he was sitting in his office being paid to "multitask" (chatting with me being one of the tasks) and I was jealous that he was making money and I wasn't -- so I needed to get busy and do something productive as I wasn't on any one's "meter". This was our last chat yesterday. I don't think there will be another. What first appeared healthy was turning into something dark...
Geographical relationships never work--I've learned from vast experience (when I used to actually date people--God can I even remember what that was like?).
I sincerely wish this boy the best (34 years old) obviously way too young and am glad that we shared our experiences...however because I find that I am going R.O. about him, it's truly better that we stop contact. I hope he reads this...he probably won't. Very few people do.
A pity--when two men can honestly come clean with each other and confess their honest feelings about the awful frustration that comes from experiencing how queer men lie and use and manipulate each other...truly a pity he lives in another city. We could have been friends. I never meet people like that here...which is pretty damn strange if you think of how many people there are. But most of us here are too busy keeping people out of our faces and moving around the obstacles they create so that we can get things done. Things which in the larger scheme of things-I'm wondering if anything is important actually...does anything have any real meaning today. In NYC everything seems more and more to be reduced to a series of transactions. Is that basically all that life is?!
I have the talent but it takes fate to make a career in show business. Fate has never been kind to me...but she did give me a nice body and a great talent for music and comedy. Without someone to appreciate these gifts--they go rotting and wasted. Without being able to translate these things into the professional life of being an actor--" It's as if you were given something weird, a deformity. How could I ever see my musical gifts like that? My ability to mime, to act...Doubly strange when I reflect on this weird outmoded idea of "being a professional" how, when I actually became a paid musician on a cruise ship--it made me utterly detest playing cocktail music--a very dangerous thing for such a musical and sensitive soul such as myself!
I must say the group isn't a good thing if it creates suicidal thoughts! One fellow shared tonight that when he first joined the group two years ago--he was healthy. The following two years saw him going through a multitude of health problems. On reflection afterward I thought of saying to him--"Perhaps this Group Therapy Thing is MAKING YOU SICK!" (However I didn't want to appear the Devil's Advocate).
Ha ha! I wonder if he would have laughed. I doubt it--he works for the State. They tend to be pretty humorless.
Perhaps my R.O. will come to the city and we will have a massage exchange...that would be nice. It is a nice way to experience the healing and sensuality man to man. I have no expectations with anyone about anything (except for the need to avoid mercenaries).
The closeness of our conversations and my all too quickly moving into that awful place of grasping and craving...Oh God--how sweet it would have been to fall in love...I do recall the highs...was it the 70's, the 80's-- and a few desperate attempts in the 90's leading up the traumas, bashing, 9-11. Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah---everyone suffers--some more than others--some less...this young man's therapist's advice was "you don't have to process everything". How shallow...What does an old woman know about being queer? Not much. What good is going to a therapist if you don't tell them the truth? Not much. He was telling me things he resisted telling her! Because he said she would disapprove of some of his actions...but isn't human growth based on conflict and resolution--not lulling each other to sleep with nice platitudes and bullshit! Whatever...
What difference does it make? There is so damn much rotten therapy out there anyway.
Anyway the conversations with my "peer" were really good, however I would prefer being alone every day and every night. That way one cannot miss the experience of love or R.O. or attachment. The pain of living without such things is less acute than the clinging neediness and emotional involvement of a working to have a significant other in one's life!
Also it's quite good that I snip this in the bud now. It might be dangerous to get a taste of something...I might like it too much. After all most people DO have significant others. Besides, I go back to my original thought...who the hell is this guy? He's some stranger I met through a hook up site!!!!!!
I remember when I used to have "best friends". So wonderful really. No more.
I do, however ponder if this emotional disinvolvemnt from others affects my acting? My ability to earn? Obviously my ability to connect with others. I find joy and peace on the roof deck. I really don't like to walk in the streets on a lovey day--the streets are tense and noisy and pretty awful. Everyone is severely barricaded now. There are so many walls and so much armor. No wonder I have chest pains when I'm around people alot and walking instead of biking! I wonder when it changed so for me?
It was a slow logical progression Steven...and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it but go to your recovery meetings and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME (or one massage appointment at a time or one audition or acting class at a time!)...
It would be nice to say "the world is what you make it" but I lost that belief a long time ago. I feel like a warrior with shell shock. Vipers are everywhere. I'm not imagining this, they are.
Do I even still love the city? Where does it come from I wonder? The isolation--my disinclination to "be social"? Today a man turned to me in the Group and said "Why are you like this?"
I threw out a few phrases...the typical cliches, but finally I said--"I really don't know--and after a while you just accept that it is--you stop feeling the pain of being without friends", stop trying to make them and just start digging being alone." And there really aren't any opportunities to make friends. Or if one presents itself--why I wonder does it turn ugly or clingy or weird with expectations and mucky muck? Perhaps Buddhist meetings...that's a possibility. Certainly not the Internet with it's hypnotizing malaise only exacerbating the isolation...making you think you're connecting when your just staring into glass and metal...and robots...
I truly think it's the toxicity of New York. Another man in the group said he "thought I was afraid".
Ummm, I've been "processing that" and I can honestly say--"Yes I guess I'm afraid; of loud noises and cunty comments from the female trainers at CRUNCH--the ignorance and the arrogance and the heartlessness of Manhattan--but not really afraid of this stuff--more like always wearing armor as a protection against it. One must. The city's deadly for the open heart chakra...simply deadly...I must share this at next Buddha 12 step meeting; There at least one can get a breath of what an open heart must feel like. Here, living in the East Village of NYC for some 30 years. No way Jose.
No-it's not fear--if it was I would have left along time ago. But I do know how absolutely hideous people can be. Perhaps that's why I actually prefer my own company. The man who accused me of fear also said "Your prostate's probably enlarged" after I shared something about having high PSA numbers last week. He's somehow not "with it" or "in touch" that he would say the obvious and make such a bad analysis of my "problem". It drives me a bit mad when people tell you things that are just plain wrong or that you know already. I guess that's why I'm in this group. You can only go so far with people in an acting class. It's great for acting skills. But we are trying to be artificial THERE. Here I think I'm in group because my "Fear" is that I'm somehow lacking in some way. Like I'm diseased...yes...maybe I'm--what did (well I just remembered I do have two friends--my lawyer being the second one!) Alan say "You're saturated". Astute comment that. One doesn't mean to become socially isolated out of fear. It's being sick of people and disappointed time and time again that causes one to love animals and trees, worship the sun, cry when one is working on people (but only when they are in a position where they cannot see the tears or feel them running down--I am so good at hiding tears...
Still I do find it valuable to help relieve people of their suffering...so there must be a part of me that does indeed love humanity; isn't totally fed up--a very tiny bird is still singing in my heart. Something of hope...absurd though that sounds. After all I've been through all these years. No wonder I found people in the Netherlands so damned tough! Those people had been through two world wars!
Strange that I used to make friends so easily and have so much fun. Is this part of the aging process? Millions would say yes. The slow move into the deadly trap of isolation --deadly if you are single. But I rejoice in not being attached, with children...All THAT muck! This is the price I pay for absolutely being responsible only to myself. There is no one to help me up the stairs. Fuck it--I'll buy myself a walker.
I am truly amazed at how much I shared with the Buffalo masseur about the difficulty of living here. The pain inherent in everything from making money to meeting new people--Gosh...I wonder if I really should consider living in N.Y. yet another unhealthy addiction? But I would so miss the characters and the energy and that lovely "zing" that can only be found in NYC!
Perhaps I should simply EMBRACE being NEUROTIC!!!!!
There's a level of quality here in this city culture--that still shines albeit the noise stress, ignorance and arrogance can work you nerves trying to uncover it! Trying to touch it or learn it or experience it...is not unlike finding hen's teeth!
In Tucson, there's no "zing" but the sun can feel nicely gold on your skin driving in a hypnotic trance in that dense traffic...but all all the sameness in people-- and that awful lack of culture...the sleepy ignorance of the sameness...the suburban blitz...
Is my isolation merely the result of an addictive lifestyle? Narcissism? Intolerance for people who snort and smell funny (I attempted to nurture a friendship with a black Chelsea Gay man this year but eventually his bad habits curdled the urge--I think he wanted a sexual involvement but I wanted to keep it platonic). He seemed to be such a wimp too. What attracted me to him? The chance of a friendship. We reached a mutual impasse...the communication stopped. I wish Ken well...
How can one be a friend with someone in a city hundreds of miles away? Not really possible...just as it's not possible to be pals with that middle-aged female Record Executive who works at Time Warner--no matter HOW seductive fun and bisexual (so she said) she appeared to be. The only way I could have nurtured that bond would have been to have had sex with her and I didn't want that. I simply wanted to be her friend. But she was totally unavailable. Her seduction was making me feel so close to her so fast. Or was that me-projecting something onto her (a friendship with a stranger--how unlikely--I guess that's why people operate in groups, for safety's sake). Perhaps I thought we were characters in a Seinfeld episode--and it was cool! But she was unable to meet my needs. **** that! No returned calls after "God you are so muscular and talented and funny and blah blah blah blah..." She pulled away after only our second meeting. I felt very used. Is this some weird script I myself am acting out with everyone I meet? I'm so tired of being used. Damn! Clearly she was not available and I was. Clearly. But how does one know enough to let down the walls with the one who MAY be available?????? Ay--THERE'S THE RUB!
One story out of 9 million in the naked city. Happy Fourth of July Steve! Thanks Steve--I love you! Keep the faith--somehow. Listen for the birds!
I prefer the peace of meditation to all this soap opera. I've had my starring roles in the corner bar. Now I could definitely use some tree therapy.
Fourth of July.
I'll give the group another 3 weeks.
It is of no consequence. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe this is all heart work...perhaps all a dream...
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